Steppin' on the Crabs

It's amazing just how wrong I can be about things sometimes.

So there I was, thinking, "Man, I can't wait for summer! I'll finally have some free time to be lazy after all these finals."  Excited for the prospects of being idle. Ah, what naivety the mind of a young man can have. Summer isn't about lazing around; it's about making tons of plans with people and not thinking through the complications that may arise, working your way through the day in a haze of changed plans and half-baked ideas that usually don't work out the way you think they will.

Working, oddly enough, becomes the most straightforward and therefore easiest part of summer. It's the one piece of structure that mildly supports the chaos of summer living. I've finally got a set work schedule, giving my days new purpose and allowing me to actually make more concrete plans with people. Maybe it's just me growing up, but I'm actually enjoying the structure (and the money) that having a job gives me. Bet you never would have expected that to come from me, would you?

And for a little summer music, I thought I'd treat you to a little number that brings me back to the old days for me:

Pokévolution

Historically accurate depiction of Charles Darwin.

Local Music?! Metal Gear?!

So, local music in Benedictine isn't exactly what it was back in Pella. There used to be all kinds of music to hear people play in Pella: grindcore, acoustic folk, soul, shoegaze, sludge metal, you name it. Here, I found out, there is indeed music, but it's slightly more limited. I went to an open mic night, and met some guy who apparently likes my taste in music and keeps talking to me about dubstep, and some guy complimented me for playing "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea," but for the most part, I think my performance (I also played The Tallest Man on Earth's "The Gardener") went over a lot of people's heads. The dubstep guy was the only other guy to pick good music (he did a few Bright Eyes songs). I still don't know his name. But back on topic.

There's really only one band whose gained my respect on campus: Top Shelf. The first time I saw them, I was completely taken by surprise at how good their music was. If I had to try and describe it, I would call it a mashing together of Vampire Weekend and Weezer, but I really don't think that description does them justice. You can check them out here. I recommend giving them a listen; "Mornings" is probably one of my personal favorites.

Now that I've shamelessly plugged a band I admire, time for other stuff. It's almost summer time. I should be worrying about the band. I'm not. For some reason, I have this thought that spending two semesters not playing Halo will result in people ACTUALLY beating me in Halo games again this summer. Frightening stuff. And I have a really bad hankering to watch Futurama again. It's been so long since I've seen that show, and it's probably one of the funniest shows I've ever seen. Certainly funnier than Seinfeld. This post doesn't really have a point anymore, not that it ever really had one to begin with.

As one final note... Gentleman, I will be marrying Taylor Momsen someday, so keep your mitts off her. So says Thor of the Thunders.

Things to Ponder...

My Foot is in the Door (And Other Thoughts)

And just like that, my last few weeks of school have arrived yet again. Strange how paradoxical time seems; on one hand it seems like only yesterday that I was graduating high school, yet on the other hand, I feel like so much has changed within myself and in my life that my old life seems an eternity ago. But I'm trucking on, because I know that getting a good ejookayshun is in mai best inturests.

But I've been neglecting the blog, and that just ain't good of me. My thoughts this month have been pretty scattered, and I guess it's just the stress of upcoming finals and projects and junk. But I'm enjoying school otherwise; it's Spring Fest here, which means that the whole school is being super-extra tight about underage drinking, to the point where all the doors are locked except for the main entrance, which is constantly being monitored by RAs (who have brilliantly set up a TV and what I think is a Wii and an XBox 360 to pass the time while they're sitting doing nothing).

There was a concert last night that they have every semester called "Jam for the Lamb," and, while I neglected to go last semester, I went this time. My props go out to all those people for having the guts to go out on stage and perform, but I really didn't see any rock and roll happening up there. My roommate told me that the last semester one rocked, but this one, we both agreed, was just not rockin'. I saw progressive jazz, Spanish folk songs, generic Christian music, and one bizarre-yet-slightly-endearing techno remix of Mumford & Son's "The Cave," but no rock. 

Next semester, I'm bringing some rock and roll to this place. And once again, sorry for the lack of updates on this thing, it's been a crazy month.

"24 Month Loop" - Song Lyrics

So these are some lyrics I wrote, just figured out the melody/chords today and I think I'll record a shitty demo tomorrow.

(demo will be at http://www.myspace.com/pinkishrubbish)

Well the theme of a dream
it can appear so serene
until the car stops,
you awaken
and forget what you've just seen
but if it's any consolation
for your stumbling imagination,
just try to find some solid ground
on earth that is shaking

(Chorus)
Wistful recollections
Candid inspections
Of why for 2 years
it poured torrentially,
you know it felt,
it felt like a century

And you were there
And time just stopped
it held me there while my heart dropped
Because the imitation,
of a life already taken
is not a life at all
but a sadistic little fall
into your eyes that grip so tightly
and let up only slightly
they thought that you'd be flighty
well look at you now

(bridge/chorus/fireworks whatever)

But all the painted landmarks
of this little town
they still peek out and remind me
why I've got to leave right now
Because the cobble streets
and parks and trees
are just as pissed as me
that a girl who wants some wings
will settle for anything her master brings
sorry dear, it's you who's missing out on me

Soul Food

"Recursion Error"

[Verse]
Of course I made the first move
That's just the only way to play
Call me over-ambitious
But I move faster with you out of the way
You left so much of yourself when you left me in the dust
So I'm  dropping this baggage
To see where it lands us now

[Chorus]
Who needs closure when I've got my composure
Nobody wants to see that anyway
Who needs a lover when she's under the covers
With somebody she won't see the next day

[Verse]
I'm not usually like this
How many times have I heard that
Carefully constructed phrases
To make you seem like you've got a bit of class
All the boys want to take you home for the the night
And I'm just a victim
Who got under your skin

[Chorus]
Who needs closure when I've got my composure
Nobody wants to see that anyway
Who needs a lover when she's under the covers
With somebody she won't see the next day

[Bridge]
Do you know what you're getting into?
Your lack of age is starting to show
They say you should never kiss and tell
But with me, they're all gonna know
We both knew the risks when we jumped off the edge
I'm anything but harmless
But I'll play it regardless

[Chorus]
Who needs closure when I've got my composure
Nobody wants to see that anyway
Who needs a lover when she's under the covers
With somebody she won't see the next day

[Chorus]
Who needs closure when I've got my composure
Nobody wants to see that anyway
Who needs a lover when she's under the covers
With somebody she won't see the next day

No Rest for the Weary

As much as laying around and doing absolutely nothing for hours on end may appeal to people, I honestly don't like sleeping all that much. Maybe it's just because I can never make myself fall asleep easily, and once I'm asleep, I can't make myself wake up easily. It's like my body always wants to be in one state or the other; the transition is one of the suckiest experiences that I have to go through on a daily basis. Twice.

I recall reading a book a long ways back (like, high school or even middle school) called Black. I don't recall the story that well, because I wasn't that enamored with it (even though a bunch of people kept telling me it was amazing and mind-blowing), but one of the mechanics of the plot stuck with me, and I really thought it was an interesting concept. Every time the main character went to sleep, he went to another world, and once fell asleep in that world, he would return to the regular world.

I really wish I could do that. I feel like so much of my time is wasted when I go to sleep, and I always wish I could be doing something more productive, like writing music or working on my story, or getting better and French and German, or playing guitar. Anything seems better than sleep to me, but I know that I need to sleep to do anything of those things proficiently. Ahhh, if only we could live in storybook worlds...

Time to Look at The Future

Man, I've been sucking at updating regularly this past week. I'd like to say it's because I've been way, way, way too busy, but I really haven't been as busy as I thought I was going to be. I blazed through two tests that I thought were going to be the death of me, and now all I've got is a German presentation about Cold War Berlin due in two weeks. Spoken in German.

But, as the title of this post implies, it's the future I'm excited for. Sure, the future's never certain, but it's the possibilities of the future that make it so interesting. Pending the recruitment of someone to be drummer, my new planned music project is coming along surprisingly smoothly. I've got plenty of my friends interested in helping out, which is exactly what I've been needing and hoping for. The Elephant Tree is coming, I can feel it. The writing process, while I can't say it has been enjoyable, has been so necessary to do. It's almost therapeutic, and with each song, I feel like I'm becoming a new man.

I'm looking forward to seeing those faces that care about me this summer. I know that as the years go on, I'm probably going to see less and less of the people I love, and that's why I want to make the most of our time now. This summer... will be the SUMMER OF AWESOME. I'm ready for it, are you?

And now, just for no reason, this:

Just A Little Something For Chuckles

Hipster Kitty, meet Puppy Scenester.

Ray=Out

Somehow we need to get together a gang of merry men and petition to get the assholes getting paid 3 starving African babies an hour to re-create Ray=Out magazine. For those of you who don't know, Ray=Out is a riff-boarder mag that exists in the anime Eureka Seven. I would love for something like that to be made possible..

But really this is just a pipe dream. I suppose I can always just look on the internet to read columns by a REAL Stoner [Editor's Note: that's the name of a character in the show], and look at pictures taken on Google images or fan websites... (Sigh.)

(Tears... Not of joy... Of complete sorrow.)

A Little Love at First Sight.

I don't think a lot of people honestly believe in "love at first sight," and I don't blame them. Most people just play it off as a little infatuation. Well, I do believe there is love at first sight, and honestly, how can you NOT look at someone and just fall into love with them? But honestly, it probably is a lot of just infatuation, but isn't that really how it starts in the first place??? Birds and bees don't get online and get paired up with the bird or bee that best fits their personalities. And I can think of many instances where I would walk up to the pretty girl at a party and strike up a conversation. Not because "mating" is on my mind or anyone else's, but I think most people thinking logically would look for the pretty girl and hope she's the one, so that you at least don't have to worry that you're in love with someone you're not even attracted to.

So now I get the construed part...

This is me: I am the kind of guy who believes in this crap, yes, but my way about it is different than most, I would say. For instance, I enjoy the feeling of falling in love with women still, even though I'm in a relationship. I know it seems ridiculous, but here is a story for you...

Okay, so I'm walking with my best friend down the streets of Pella in the middle of winter. I'm still dating my darling, but this weekend we were visiting friends. As we're walking from his old place in town to the coffee shop, I had "love at first sight." It is literally a half-block to the coffee shop, and in this time span I caught the eye of this beautiful woman I had never met before or seen before. Things like this make me really think that the world is alive in some way. But that's another subject. So, I see this beauty in the window of a parts store as I'm walking by. Now, this moment we shared was only for an instant, and that needs to be clear. I looked at her, and she was setting up a Christmas tree in the store window. She was bending the fake branches at the top which reached her breast, but even though she seems so busy, for this short moment our eyes met. It kinda felt like it was in slow motion. I waved. She smiled. And instantly I was filled with this energy and well-feeling. And I told Gage about it as we walked on, and it was over. He, of course, didn't really understand when I said I just fell in love.

I love my girlfriend with all of my heart, and I know if she were to read this she would feel a little uncomfortable, or maybe jealous. Honestly, though, what happened to me that winter was something that not only happened to me when I met her, but happens when I meet most people. It just a thing that happens. And honestly it would be impossible not to fall in love again WHILE being committed with another. What distinguishes the men from the bastards is whether or not you act on the feeling or moment. I would never. But such a feeling is wonderful. These kind of things should be encouraged to happen, but they should also be kept secretive in a way. If you're like me, and you already have someone, they might get uneasy to hear this kind of stuff. And even if you tell them it doesn't matter until they believe it doesn't, it still puts a little tension in the air. But don't feel like a piece of shit because you're keeping secrets.

So. Point in case. Falling in love is like breathing. You do it all the time, even without thinking. Whether it be in love with a man or with a woman or with a t.v. show or complete strangers. So love, and breathe, of course, or you will die.

Original Ideas: No Vacancy

College is dead.

This revelation came to me just this evening during a talk with my writing professor. We were discussing an essay I had written about how and why capitalism and the media had become the principle driving forces behind sports, and how they’ve changed sports. One of the parts of it that I loved the most was a piece about current Orlando Magic point guard Gilbert Arenas that illustrated a key point of my argument, that athletes have been so remarkably changed by money and media time.

For those who don’t know about Mr. Arenas allow me to enlighten you. He is probably the strangest man in the NBA today. He plays poker on a computer part-time. He once traded a pair of shoes for 50,000 All-Star game votes that he cast for himself over a one month time period. Arenas made a free throw ritual just so little kids would copy it. And he owns a hyperbolic tent, a contraption that simulates high altitude oxygen levels by sucking the oxygen out of the air. All of this is strange because Arenas chooses to share it in a world were NBA stars are not supposed to be strange or remotely controversial.

The reason I bring this up is that my professor had issues with me bringing it into my argument because it was subjective and thus not arguable. At the same time, I’m supposed to come up with an original argument that hasn’t been seen before. On one hand I’m forced to conform to what has already been argued, keeping in line with what has already been said while being tugged by forces that say, “NO. You have to keep it original,” by coming up with something of your own. This is a no win situation, but more importantly it’s the reason why college is dead.

No one wants you to come up with your own ideas. Yes, you’ll hear stories about how some undergrad student testified before Congress for migrant workers’ rights or something similar, but colleges really can’t take credit for it. Colleges will say that innovation by their students is one of the most important things they want to accomplish, but colleges don’t structure themselves to foster independent thinking since learning in college is so much like high school. The teacher tells you facts, you commit them to memory, you regurgitate them onto a piece of paper, you get good grades, and the school gets funding. This is a cycle of bullshit that I thought would end in college. This is not the case. The first test I ever took in my first year of college was multiple choice, the ultimate embodiment of remember-and-repeat schooling. The vast majority of learning is rigidly structured. There’s no imagination when it comes to schooling like this, no chance for the mind to grow outside of the box that your curriculum sets for you.

Should I be that surprised though? After all, colleges are institutions with bureaucracies, red tape, and everything else that comes with being a monolith of American society. College has become a process, a business that over time has become set in its ways and patterns. The only place where the truly free and independent college student exists is in the naïve fantasy of high school seniors leaving for college, fresh-faced and bright-eyed.

So yeah. College is dead.

Music Review: "Vices & Virtues" by Panic at the Disco

I like Panic at the Disco. I wouldn't consider myself a fanatic, but I've enjoyed them ever since I heard the demo for "Time to Dance" on PureVolume way back when. When Pretty. Odd. came out, I was impressed at how well they handled the huge shift they had undergone stylistically due to the departure of two of their members, and I wondered where they would go from there. Which brings us to this album.

Vices and Virtues isn't really a bad album, exactly. I'm sure there are plenty of PATD fans who think its the greatest thing since sliced bread, which I would never agree with (sliced bread is fucking AWESOME), and they're entitled to think so. But as I listened to the album, I could see what they were trying to do, and, to be honest, I don't think they achieved their goal. The album itself is kind of a fusion of A Fever You Can't Sweat Out's techno-rock sound and the accessible pop melodies of Pretty. Odd., and I can understand why they would want to try and reconcile the two vastly different aspects of their career into a single, cohesive sound.

However, the end result just ends up being too stale and bland for me to enjoy. It lacks the bombastic brassy show-tune-esque nature of Pretty. Odd. as well as the cuttingly sharp and clever lyricism of A Fever You Can't Sweat Out, leaving me with something of a generic pop-rock album. All in all, not bad, but I can't say that I thought it was good, as far as PATD is concerned.

From an Honest Soul

Music really is a wonderful thing. It can bring people together, mend hearts, change lives. It doesn't matter who you are; everyone can find music that speaks to them, evokes such emotions that nothing else could. There are some songs that I can honestly say have changed me as a person. There are so many artists and bands whose music has shaped the person I am today, yet I'll never be able to thank them for all they've done.

As much as I may have my issues with the town, I really am thankful to have been able to live in Pella. The friends I made, the thing I've learned, and all the many experiences I've gained, I could never have gotten anywhere else. Being in college, I've realized how lucky I was to have spent my high school years in a place that had an active music scene. I've tried talking to people about the towns they came from, and so many of them have said that they never used to go to concerts and see local bands, or see any local musicians.

Being able to do that created such a huge impact on me. It lit a fire in my that's been burning ever since; it created the passion for music that made me want to start making music of my own, which eventually led it's way into the creation of A Rainy Day for Jupiter (my old band). So many people talk about how they would love to start a band and play shows, or that they would love to be able to record an album. That's something that a lot of people talk about, but seldom do they ever actually follow through with it. 

I was able to do all of that before I was out of high school, and I want music to stay as much a part of my life now and in the future as it was back in those days, when my friends and I would get together in the basement every single day and work on our songs. So to all those musicians who've impacted me, both famous acts and aspiring local artists, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. 

Untitled Story or Poem or Whatever (the Result of Being Really Tired)

There is a boy,
well, really he's a man.
He's mostly grown up,
but he hasn't got a real plan.
Everything in his life seems predetermined,
but not by fate or God,
but by the fabrics of society,
blanketing and blinding him.

But the boy (or man) keeps walking along,
and now it seems beauty has intervened,
and the streets are paved and gleaming,
new green is growing when others are leaving.
But despite all the new additions to his yard,
there's an empty spot in the back, near the pond.

And it doesn't feel right,
it's been gone for sometime,
the spot where something used to sit but now has not been for quite a while.

Was it ever really there?
"Yes", he swears, he's seen it before. It haunts his dreams and it's carved in his floor and everyone else thinks the garden is full.
But tragically, only he can see the decay,
the waste and the spreading of nightmares and grey.
Knowing this one thing gone is the key to all things,
the bringer of joy and freedom and open field dreams.

He walks over the grave,
so deep he can't see,
the bottom or end, transcending the earth.
And he looks out on the wasteland that others call his turf,
and they enviously glare at his supposed achievements,
without ever finding a channel to reach him,
because perception is altered from body to body,
time has changed even the modest to haughty.

The man trudges on.
He tries to look forward but suddenly looks back,
and the small boy he sees, he is taken aback,
and he falls to his knees and wants the past so bad,
but it is not for the man, only for the boy.
He knows not how he knows, but only that he does know,
and it is cement in his mind, it is certainly so.

So the man sighs deeply and marches on,
knowing not what he'll come across,
but knowing he'll find another spot to lay,
and new gardens to grow,
and new air to be breathed,
new life to be seen,
fresh surroundings.

And maybe, the man, he startles to think,
will cross the barrier that borders the brink,
of the thing he's been missing this whole time,
the oldest of old desires for all of man kind,
love, and just a little more time.

The Eulogy

More beautiful and heartbreakingly eloquent than anything I could say.

Mazes and Sums

"You have to believe that life is more than the sum of its parts, kiddo."

I watched The United States of Leland for the first time in a long time today, and if I had a strong emotional connection to the movie before, it was made all the more poignant watching it again at this point in my life. More than anything, the quote from Mrs. Calderon stuck out to my, and her words rang through my head for the rest of the day.

It seems like such a simple concept, but it's a monumental task to perform. Believing the truth in that statement may be one of the most difficult things a person could do in their lives. Try as I might,  at the notion; that all our brokenness, all the loose pieces and frayed ends that make up our lives could somehow, when put into context and seen as a whole, give the events true meaning.

Now, I am a Catholic, and I believe in God. Sure, I know a lot about my faith, but I've never really thought about the idea that everything I've been through had a purpose. All the pain I've gone through, the hardships my family has endured, the people we've lost, the mistakes I've made... The idea that somehow it could be for our betterment unnerves me to no end. I don't know what scares me more, the idea that nothing has meaning except for what we assign to it, or the idea that everything I've had to go through in my life is honestly there for some purpose that I can't see.

Maybe I just can't see it the right way, like a rat in a maze. Hopefully, I find the exit that goes to the cheese instead of the electro-shock-y things.

Sunflowers

I once visited Hungary, and the one thing that I remember the most about it was the sunflower fields. You could look to the horizon and see a literal sea of them. I miss that.

Scariest. Movie. Ever.

Seriously. Watch this movie. I'm not going to put up a full-fledged review until I see the sequel, then I can pull a double review. Until then, just... Holy balls.

Why, She's Quite... Oh My.

Richard Dawkins=Emma Watson?

Up and Over We Go

Hoo boy, it's been a while since anyone posted anything on this thing. So now you get a nice post full of what's been going on in my life and my mind lately! I was supposed to do a bunch of updating over Spring Break, but things were honestly moving waaaaay too fast for me to get a chance to do much of anything.

On the bright side, though, it was the most thoroughly enjoyable times in recent memory. I got to see a lot of faces that I've missed, as well as a lot of new ones. It really felt like the beginning of a new time in my life. I got to see Patrick, and we literally talked the night away in one of the best discussions in the history of deep talks done in a tiny, dirty kitchen above a butcher's shop. 

I'm so unbelievably lucky to have friends that I can be serious with when I need to be, because it helps our relationship grow closer, and I cherish the friendships I have. Getting to hang out with the old group of friends again was amazing; seeing Kyle, Eric, and Brody never fails to put me in an amazing mood. We celebrated Eric's birthday and reminisced about the old days, which was an experience in itself.

Looking back now, I never realized just how much I've been able to experience with my friends in my life until we actually went and talked about all the stuff we've done. We've done a lot of things that most people never get to experience. People talk all the time about wanting to start a band and play shows and record music, but my friends and I actually got to experience it, which makes me proud beyond belief. The crazy nights, the insane pop culture discussions (especially involving which power from Avatar: The Last Airbender would be the best), the adventures and terrible ideas that we somehow convinced ourselves into thinking were good, which always resulted in hilarity.

I just nostalged so hard (yes, it's a verb now).

I Can Go The Distance

Pinkie Out!

Oh Intuhnet, you so silly!

A Few Meandering Thoughts

I'm pretty sure that the universe itself is fueled by irony. I'm getting ahead of myself though, more on that later. It's been hard for me to do much writing lately, and I still don't really know why. It's just been hard to collect my thoughts lately. Now it's Spring Break, and I've been doing nothing but thinking. It's been a tough couple of months, and for the first time since my breakup, I don't have anything going on to distract me; no homework, no tests, no concerts, no dances. Nothing. So it's just been me and my thoughts for the past day and a half. Finally, I think I have things straightened out in my head, so I'm taking this time to get all of it out of my system.

First thing  that I can think of to talk about is of the one thing I really hate talking about. In front of me, I have a bag that has every memento from my previous relationship. My first instinct (which also happens to appeal to my inner pyromaniac) is to burn it, not out of impunity, but out of respect for the ending of that portion of my life. A new beginning, I suppose. Another part of me, though, never wants to forget what happened, because it did bring me a lot of joy that I don't want to let go of.

On a related note, as I said before, the universe must run on irony, because Spring Break is what I've been looking forward to for quite some time, but now that I'm here, I keep having this want to leave. Now, I want to see my friends and all the people I've been missing, but when I'm not with them, this town feels different. I went to church today, and I caught the stares of several people I knew that are still in high school. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I know that what happened was known by quite a few people around school, and I couldn't help but see pity in their gazes, and it enraged me just as much as it saddened me. The last thing I need or want is pity.

The last thing I thought about was my friends, and their lives. Some of them seem like the same carefree slackers that I knew back in high school, and I think the "slacker" part might have something to do with the lack of change in their lifestyle. But a good majority of the people I know are living radically different lives than I remember. We've all changed so much, and the fact of this never ceases to take my breath away. I wish we could all get back together like the old days, but our lives are so hectic and all heading in such radically different directions that make it almost impossible. Our lives can only move forward, bursting out, and we can never re-visit what has already happened. We can only cherish the beauty of the time we've been given and take it with us as we go forward into the future.

"Act III: Modulate Back to the Tonic"

I would have done horrible, unforgivable things just to have been able to see this live.

Everyone is a DICK.

They say, the world is at my disposal. What they seem to leave out, is that I don't have the power to control or keep track of all that will and DOES go on in this world. The world is FAR from your grasp.

I may have mentioned before, but growing up really does fucking suck. Now maybe you're in high school, and you're thinking, "Oh my my, high school is so hard and there is so much going on." Well, I will tell you it's nothing compared to what you will soon experience.

I will give you a quick overview of my life. I am 18, I have moved out of my home and now live with my amazingly beautiful girlfriend and her two-year-old son. I have a job at Papa John's, and it would seem like everything is golden. Not quite the truth. The truth is that when you become an adult, you will do what you think you have to do, what you think is the right thing, and then your heart will tell you it is wrong. Now, our hearts tell us what we need to do, to be fulfilled that is. I am happy where I am, but I could be happier. I deal with much stress each day and the fights I get into with my loved one get more and more intense each day. I don't want this, and neither does she. BUT WHY DOES IT HAPPEN??? On top of this, I have friends that I never see anymore, and every time I come around I never seem to have enough time to get to see all of them, and I have a friend in particular that I needed to call... but so far I haven't called him back. I feel like a bastard every time I breathe. My music is no longer differing from the other shit that I write. THIS IS BEING AN ADULT??? All of my friends are lying to me about the people that they are having sex with and the love that they are having, as if I gave two shits (SPOILER ALERT: I don't give a shit. I'm only upset because they lied to me). My life may seem like shit, and that's only the half of it. But I'm not gonna sit here and tell you about my problems. I just need to get the point across that growing up is the worst thing that can happen to you. It DESTROYS you as a person, and turns you from a human being into something mechanical and not living. Every day I think about all the shit I have on my agenda, and the days when I have to work, and I actually wonder whether or not I'm going to have sex that night.

After seven months of dating, things don't stay the way they were, and as you get to know someone, you see how much they let you down. It's a sad, sad fact. And there is something I want to say to my friend that I haven't called because I was too ashamed... I love you friend, and I'm sorry. I don't want you to be disappointed in me for my actions, for they are just the poor exertions of my soul. My body cries out for freedom, yet I will never receive it. I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY.

Let's say for a second that I did what was right. I left my girlfriend... and I lived alone in solitude where I want to be. Would I finally be happy?

NO.

I would get what I truly wanted from life, but lose what I had that was so good. WOMEN are a curse. AND PEOPLE are a curse. LIFE itself is a curse.

Yes, it's horrible, and yes, I seem like a troubled person, but at least I can admit the pains of my life. I'm going to call that person which has been expecting my call for so long, and GOD DAMMIT, I will talk to him, and show him that I am not a bastard, just ashamed. Ashamed of the life I am living.

And so we will blog on... into the night, and for awhile feel like we are free of our problems. When really we're just preaching to a choir... a choir of socialpathic liars and cheaters just like us... looking for answers just like us. I say that I am a wise man to some extent. But I am not that wise. I try to follow these two easy guidelines:

1. Don't lie.

2. Don't be a piece of shit.

It's a Sign

So true.

Happiness

Ah, Happiness, my old friend, it's been so long. I'm glad we've decided to see each other again.

This morning, I woke up in a daze. I dressed myself with almost no thought, and I was listening to Something Corporate as I walked up to my class when I suddenly realized something: I live in a beautiful place, surrounded by some of the nicest people I've ever met. I could not ask to be in a better place to spend my college years. Maybe it wasn't the most thoroughly researched decision, but I'm convinced that it was the right one.

During my two month stint in the prison of Misery, I questioned going somewhere so far away from home and everyone I knew. I told myself that I should never have come here, that I don't belong here, that I had no future here. It took a very tough decision to make me finally see just how beautiful things were here. I can finally drink deep from the cup of life and really get the most out of my college experience.

I'm going to meet people. I'm going to push my limits. I'm going to grow as a person. I'm going to learn more than I ever have before, and I'm going to actually experience life in ways completely new ways. Sounds cheesy, but it's the thing that I want more than anything right now. I can't wait.

It only took me a whole semester plus two months to actually get to begin that. Oh well, there's no time like the present, eh?

"Teeth" The God-Forsaken Review

As if the hardcore Christians hadn't already done enough to try to scare hormonal teen boys away from sex, there is a new reason to be abstain and be afraid. Very afraid. Of lady parts.

Teeth, the 2007 comedy-horror movie proves to be the most pretentiously artsy piece of shit I've ever seen. Whoops, sorry I've already broken some rules good review writing. I shouldn't just bluntly throw it out there. Or maybe I should just get to the point, like this movie should have done.

First of all, it's obvious the production value is awful. Every actor is on the brink of looking normal, but they don't quite make the cut. Is this shallow of me? Probably, but god damn, I've never seen a teen girl protagonist be so unattractive and bad at acting simultaneously before.

The girl (I couldn't give less of a fuck what the character's name is) spends most of her time awkwardly speaking to brain-washed Jesus-freak drones about abstinence. However, when a hunky-new guy comes into her life, she, well she decides to invite him to the middle of nowhere, a wooded area suitable for teen shagging. However, the two arrive at a waterfall and are sufficiently stripped down, she pussies (pun intended) out. Don't fret though, because Mr. Hunk is still down to do the deed! He attempts to rape her, before having his manhood chomped away.

Without giving too much away, this is how the rest of the movie goes. Everyone thinks they can take advantage of this girl who does her best to act autistic, only to have their junk torn away. It would be an interesting and terrifying film, if only anyone could act. But don't blame the actors too much, I believe the director made sure they were all adequately sedated before beginning to film. The dialog (of which, there is very little) is so shitty put together, these poor E-list actors never would've had a chance. The only dude who does a decent job is John Hensley (he's also in Fifty Pills, which is a decent movie and 231 times better than this shit). You can tell the dude is trying his best, but with a story this retarded, it just was not meant to be.

The sad part is, this movie wasn't even so bad it was funny. It was just soooo bad. I'm not saying I didn't laugh two or three times, but there was seriously so much more to be desired in the "comedy" department, especially when that's one of the two genres they were going for.

It moves as slow as Napoleon Dynamite with none of the sweet and humorous overtones (it's about an hour and a half long, it feels like four). Critics at Sundance praised this film, probably because it's so dumb that only a handful of hyper-hipster fucks could truly appreciate the morphine-induced beauty within this shithole flick.

If you are still reading and thinking about watching it, please first consider the following statement: I literally have never before felt as though I've wasted my life as much as I did while watching this movie.

Don't Call It A Comeback

Holy crap has this been a crazy couple of weeks. But I'm through it. I've fought the good fight, and I made a judgment call. And, strangely enough, I don't feel as bad as I expected to. I don't know how at all, but (as Claire from Heroes said back when the show was awesome, i.e. season one) I walked through fire and I didn't get burned.

Time to start stretching those flirting muscles, 'cause I'm back, baby!

While You Do Something Meaningful.

I haven't had a lot of time to get on here. And that's a sad fact. On the bright side though I always have time to listen to music. Tonight I did all of my homework, while laying in bed naked, with strep throat and diarrhea. Yeah. Gross. Although laying in bed naked with my woman all day was nice I still felt like shit. Now, I have this weird thing, about whether or not my days are good or bad. Usually it comes down to this: No matter what happens during the day as long as I have a good night, it's a good day.

Tonight I got a hot ass bubble bath made for myself, and I sat in it listening to Andrew Bird. Now the reason I call this entry "While you do something meaningful." is plainly because before you play this video you had better be ready to listen to the whole god damn thing and seriously reflect, and relax of course. It's important that you take a moment out of your busy lives to listen to something great, and that in itself is a meaningful thing. Like we say here at Glassjaw Boxing, "Bitches are not shit, but hoes and tricks. So please lick these testicles and suck our dicks." I hope all you girls and lovely men have a good night out there. And please listen to more Andrew Bird, the guy knows what he's fucking doing.

Oh Yes...

Gentlemen, say hello to my latest celebrity crush:

Why Dianna Agron, you ask? Well, not only is she amazingly beautiful, but check out her celebrity playlist on Youtube. A hot girl with the same musical tastes as me? I must be in Heaven.

7 Things I Wish I Had More Of

I was looking at some of the blogs of people I knew, and I came across this concept in the blog of a lovely young lady who I think has one of the most amazing personalities I've ever seen. Every Sunday, she'd make a list of seven things to talk about, ranging from the hilariously trivial to the resoundingly deep. I decided that, since I'm shameless and want to make this blog something special, that I would adopt this idea. So I decided to start with some of the things that have been on my mind: things that I wish I had.

7. Patience. I try my hardest to be patient with people, and, for the most part, I think I succeed. However, there are times, truly crucial times, when my patients cracks from too much wear and I get horribly impatient and easily angered. It's times like these, when I break and do something irrational, that I often get judged for. Never for the quiet patience that I always have for people most of the time, but the few times when my temper reaches a boiling point. I wish these would never have to happen. It's never fun to be judged, especially unfairly, and I would rather not have people telling me they hate me anymore.

6. Sympathy. Now, this shouldn't be confused with wanting empathy. I understand people's feelings and emotions extraordinarily well, which is a good thing, I just can't identify with them a lot. I'm disconnected from really being able to feel their emotions and consider its effects. This, needless to say, is bad. It's probably what makes it so hard for me to make good connections with people.

5. Honesty. This one, I'm all over the place on. There are some people that I tell everything to, and there are some people that I wouldn't trust with my phone number. I have a lot of secrets, and it takes quite a toll to keep them all straight. I just wish I could be 100% honest all the time, even though this probably wouldn't make some people happy, as Liar Liar taught me. However, I would be able to rest a lot easier thanks to it.

4. Faith. With everything I've been going through in my life, I've been living in constant fear. Fear from uncertainty, loss, abuse, and I haven't taken enough time to really look at the big picture. I believe in God. And I realized that, in spite of what I believe, what I want may not be what's best for me in the long run. Only God knows, and, in the end, you can only do so much. The rest is out of your hands. The best you can do is try everything you can do things well, and have faith that it will all turn out alright in the end. I could have used this so much in my life.

3. Strength. I don't mean physical strength. I could get less about that crap. I mean personal strength. The kind that allows a person to stand up and be able to say, even if the rest of the world disagrees with them, exactly what they feel about something. I could only stand idly by, as much as I wish I could get break out and actually be able to stand, strong and tall, and not be afraid of being who I am. This is making me sound like an in-the-closet gay (which would probably be easier than having to deal with women), but that is something that I have been able to respect gay people for. Not the showy gay parade with leather and peacock feathers everywhere, but the kind that's able to say that they're gay, and be unafraid of what others might say.

2. Trust. I am so hesitant to trust people that I'm really not surprised people dislike me for being so reserved. I don't trust easily, and I keep things close to the vest. God knows what kind of world we'd live in if people actually trusted others. I know there would still be liars, but I think that people could live with themselves a lot easier if they could just show a little trust to somebody else. Even if it means trying to comfort someone you don't even know in public. A guy in my building that I'd never really talked to before saw me one night sitting on the stairs, and starting talking to me. He had no idea who I was, and he asked for a little trust, because he might be able to help. That's the kind of guy I wish I was.

1. Love. I think everyone could use more of this in their life. It doesn't matter if you are practically a saint, you can always use more love. Because showing others love is even better than receiving it yourself.

Picture Kinda Related

Dammit, friends are just plain awesome. I love my friends. They're always there for me, and I know that they're always looking out for my best interests.

Yep.

Egypt: "More Than Just Pyramids"

It starts in elementary school. You’re sitting in a small plastic chair, amongst 20 or so little kids. You start learning things about yourself you never knew. The teacher’s saying things like "We bombed Japan in WWII and killed hundreds of thousands of people," or "We enslaved African-Americans in the 1800s." I couldn't have been the only kid thinking, I didn't do any of that.

Yes, I’ll admit, what led me to this column is a rather trivial thing in the grand scheme of things; the commonly used “we” when referring to things the U.S. government has done in a classroom setting. But this annoyance made me think about bigger things: nationalism, foreign policy, the role of government.

The common perception of American government is so varied. One side is full of gun-slingin', homily-spewin', cowboys, and the other includes a bunch of progressive, pot-smokin', twenty-somethings, plus everyone in the middle. By the way, I’m aware of the stereotyping there, but I made fun of both sides. Everyone’s got a different view, and some are more or less willing to share it with you or force it upon you. But simplistically, we've got people who love our government, people who hate our government and those who couldn’t give a rat’s caboose what our government does. Now, I wouldn’t say that "the man" has always made the best decisions, I'm well aware of that. But (and as a journalist, this is probably obvious) I think one thing most people can agree they got right was the first amendment. You don't have to be a nationalist to appreciate the rights citizens have. Sure, some of the things they do may not sit well with you, but at least you have a right to complain about it. There are a lot of things that suck about living here, but I believe it would be extremely difficult to find a better place. Also, it could be a lot worse.

Another unique thing about America is that it isn't restricted within its own borders. Like it or not, foreign involvement has always been prevalent: the World Wars, Vietnam, Iraq. Sometimes it seems as though we’re giving them too much money, or things are desolate enough in the U.S., and other times, most people feel it's "our duty as a country to help those in need." Until recently, I'd always possessed the opinion that worrying about citizens back home was more important than sticking our noses into other people’s business.

Then, I saw the turmoil in Egypt.

People, under a government supported by America, fighting for change due to a government fueled by hate and often oppression, with an almost non-existent economy, by a lead who has been in power for thirty years. Who knew? If you'd asked be a few months ago what I knew about Egypt, I'd have said "The Capital is Cairo, and they built some pyramids." I knew they weren't as affluent as most countries, but I certainly thought the apparent lack of news from the country meant things were at least okay.

It's inspiring, really, to see them out there, with their signs and their words of hope and change. People here voted for change in 2008. In Egypt, they're literally fighting for it. They deserve human rights, and if the U.S. has the ability to help that, it's what should be done. The progress they've already made is amazing, and it made me realize that unlike situations of the past, this is something happening now, something relevant to me, and it’s something I can care about. It'll be in the history books someday, and I'll talk about how we-oh... Wait.

I guess I'm a hypocrite.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...

I... don't even know where to begin in my mind. You know that feeling you get when you're standing on the edge of some ridiculously huge precipice and you look down and you don't really get dizzy (so I don't know if it's the same as vertigo) but you get this awful twitch in the back of your mind that, for some reason or another, you're legs are going to jump your ass off the edge, even if your mind doesn't want to?

Well, that's how things are for me. Have been. For quite a while now.

Thankfully, it hasn't all been awful... Oh, wait, yes it has. HOWEVER, I've managed to not only:

A) actually grown in my faith, but I've also B) grow as a person more than I have ever thought possible, at the expense of my happiness and ability to function in normal society. Considering the way my parents raised me, anyone who knew my family would assume I was a good, upstanding person living a moral and positive life.

Not so. I'm not a model citizen, and I'm not the ideal standard of virtue for people. I'm pretty much the opposite of that. Normally, this is the point where I would deride myself, call myself awful things and hate myself with a burning intensity rivaling that of the sun. But I don't anymore. I accept what I am, and I've learned to deal with it in a constructive matter. So many things that I've done were completely terrible and I had absolutely no idea at the time of how destructive my behavior was, not only to myself but to others as well.

One of the biggest problems I've had was jealousy. I was insecure about myself, and found every other guy imaginable threatening. Looking back, it was the stupidest, saddest display of cowardice and insecurity that I've ever seen. As a result, it ended (with other complications) in the eventual undoing of my relationship. I accept all the blame, and I've been able to overcome it. Now I know how to feel, and how to act properly if I'm ever in another relationship (this is one of the biggest if's in the entire universe).

I don't regret being in that relationship. I feel bad for the pain I caused, both to her and girls in the past, and I can't say I enjoyed the way things had to end, but I've learned that to regret something or to wish something never was is like saying you wish you had never experienced something good. The good and the bad in life are inseparable. And the amount of good I received from those experiences is extraordinary. 

I wish nothing but the best for them, with no ill will and only the request for forgiveness for the way I've acted. If any of them read this, all I have to say is: thank you, for the beauty and joy you showed me in our time together. I will treasure the memories forever, and carry you in my heart.

I'm not making any claims to achieving some kind of saintly status or anything. I'm still a pretty shitty person, and I have a long way to go before I'll ever call myself "good." But sometimes, you have to look at the distance traveled, rather than your current place in life.

Everyone's Free To Wear Sunscreen

DISCUSS

I'll just leave this here.

Better Than Therapy

Words that feel like they've been torn from my life, full of pain and truth.

A Difficult Lesson That I'm Learning Too Late

It'll be difficult to do, and it may hurt you, but at least you'll know that you were true to yourself and didn't compromise what you believed. I'm learning this at a hard personal cost.

Growing Up.

Milk.

So it's a really nice day today, and after having some spectacular dreams I'm in a kind of strange mood. You know, the one where you don't want to do anything and because you're not in school you don't have to? Yeah, hell yeah.

It's now 2:00 in the afternoon. Time for some breakfast.

Unfortunately today I find that I am out of milk, and not only is milk probably the most important thing in my fridge aside of the whiskey. Which unfortunately, I can't eat a bowl of cereal with whiskey. Well... actually I probably could but afterwards I would then be very drunk and my cereal would not have been fulfilling (because whiskey flavored cereal doesn't sound so good to me). Anyway so it's a beautiful day and I'm just pumped as hell to walk to the gas station to get my damn milk. So I get strapped up and start walking.

(Now it's important to remember that there is a point to all this.)

What I did not realize about this beautiful day is that is was in fact:

WINDY

AS

A

MOTHERFUCKER.

It was when I was walking to the gas station that I decided to hum a Lightspeed song in my head, until I started thinking about this commercial about some credit card or something. Either way it was interesting because this woman talking about some sort of future credit card apocalypse was a stunt man. Or stunt "woman" I should say. To this, I realized, Damn. This chick has got to have big hairy balls. Kind of depressing, this thought. Because now I don't feel like so much of a man myself because this girl is running around on fire! (Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.)

So now I'm at the gas station and I got the milk. I only have 4 dollars. This milk is $3.48. Now, I haven't been an adult that long, so even though I've known how to do the dishes, vacuum, and the laundry, I still forget how to do things like math, bank stuff, basically just math, and that food doesn't get taxed. Like milk. So even though the whole time I was thinking it's okay because tax is 7 cents a dollar and so I would be fine, but still freaking out, it turned out I had to pay $3.48. That's 52 cents in my pocket. (Also just a side note: they have this new thing at gas stations (apart from televisions at the pump) that essentially is a small bowl that all of your change rolls out into for you to grab. So people now don't have to hand you change back. America just got lazier.)

Okay I think that whole change thing was the point but one more thing I need to mention. As I was walking home with my gallon of milk and I saw a couple walking towards me from Quizno's Sub, and I raised my hand for a wave, and said, "Good aft- mor-" As I stopped trying to think of which one I should say, I realized...

What time was it???

So remember kids, you can pay for milk in exact change and check the time twice when you get up. Then check the time again.

A Much-Needed Rant

I'm probably not going to feel this way when I wake up tomorrow, but there's too much going on inside to everything simmer until morning. I'm not usually like this, and the fact that it's coinciding with Valentine's Day is just a coincidence... I think.

Humans are awful, miserable creatures. Not merely content with the difficulties of life and the problems we face from simply trying to survive, we have to create even more problems for ourselves. Human interaction brings nothing but pain and hardship, even the most successful ones. The sad thing is that our minds filter the experience, leaving only the pleasant ones and shutting out the painful ones. Rose-colored lenses that fuck us up and make things seem better than they really are. Why do we do this?

Love.

Not real love, of course. The notion of love. The idea. The impossibility of being able to describe love leads to false notions of what love could be. Those who haven't felt love mistake some other kind of emotion for love, and end up clinging to it for dear life. In spite of all the signs, all the warnings and signposts that signal an unhealthy relationship, they tell themselves that this really is love, and force themselves to believe in something that's not really there. A cynical view, I suppose, but one that I think everyone can either relate to personally, or recognize as happening to someone else. Of course, if it is happening to you, you won't know it. You'll still be in ignorant blissful misery.

Am I talking about this out of personal experience? I couldn't say. It's impossible for someone to view themselves dispassionately when they're in the midst of the situation. Emotions cloud judgments, anger creates problems that stay in spite of the emotion's fleeting nature. Fuck, I'm starting to sound like a Stoic. Stupid philosophy class, making me draw connections to my life.

I didn't start writing this with an end in mind, only to get my thoughts down in writing. I don't have an answer to this problem, and there's no way to fix past mistakes. This is a problem that people are going to be having for as long as that elusive idea of love continues to seduce people with it's allure.

Fuck love.

"Poison & Wine"

Quickly growing addicted to this song. If you haven't listened to it already, go check out their album "Barton Hallow." Amazing stuff. I gotta say, though, the guy looks exactly like what would occur if Jack White and Johnny Depp had a baby.

Lazy=Love

Writing for this blog was never my idea, and yet here we are. While Ranier may say otherwise, it wasn’t entirely his charm and good looks that convinced me to write for one of the greatest embodiments of hipster culture. The only thing that really inspired me to write was the thought that I may need something to do with my free time, pure and simple. It’s almost comical that I gave up my aversion to the evils of blogs because I felt like I needed to fill my schedule with something productive (I use that term very liberally here). And yet it was this realization of exactly why I chose to write that made me think about just how jammed pack our worlds are with copious amounts of stuff.

Our lives are so full of things these days. School, sports, work, family, friends, the list goes on and on. The world constantly pulls at us from so many directions with all sorts of activities and people that scream for our time and attention. It’s no wonder that the default state of our lives is stress. The funny thing is that we do it to ourselves, gladly signing our time away. There are so many times when I catch myself wishing for something to do when my hands are idle. And it’s not just me. So many of the people I know have this same mentality, feeling like they’ve done something wrong when they’ve got nothing to do.

This is tragic. People should not feel like they have to fill every moment of everyday with some useful activity or feel guilty about indulging their lazy side. Often times it is the moments like an idle Monday afternoon that are the important ones in our lives. I realized this as I stared out the window of my dorm, a moment that would definitely be counted as time ill-spent under the standards of working society.

Be grateful for the times when you have nothing to do, when your hands are still. Please don’t feel guilty when you’re sitting on your ass without an industrious thing to do the whole day. It moments like these that are the best in life. Chances are you’ll fill them up with memories of friends or instances of quiet, thoughtful introspection, and you’ll be thankful for them. Time spent on you and only you is never time poorly spent.