Sunday, March 13, 2011

A Few Meandering Thoughts

I'm pretty sure that the universe itself is fueled by irony. I'm getting ahead of myself though, more on that later. It's been hard for me to do much writing lately, and I still don't really know why. It's just been hard to collect my thoughts lately. Now it's Spring Break, and I've been doing nothing but thinking. It's been a tough couple of months, and for the first time since my breakup, I don't have anything going on to distract me; no homework, no tests, no concerts, no dances. Nothing. So it's just been me and my thoughts for the past day and a half. Finally, I think I have things straightened out in my head, so I'm taking this time to get all of it out of my system.

First thing  that I can think of to talk about is of the one thing I really hate talking about. In front of me, I have a bag that has every memento from my previous relationship. My first instinct (which also happens to appeal to my inner pyromaniac) is to burn it, not out of impunity, but out of respect for the ending of that portion of my life. A new beginning, I suppose. Another part of me, though, never wants to forget what happened, because it did bring me a lot of joy that I don't want to let go of.

On a related note, as I said before, the universe must run on irony, because Spring Break is what I've been looking forward to for quite some time, but now that I'm here, I keep having this want to leave. Now, I want to see my friends and all the people I've been missing, but when I'm not with them, this town feels different. I went to church today, and I caught the stares of several people I knew that are still in high school. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I know that what happened was known by quite a few people around school, and I couldn't help but see pity in their gazes, and it enraged me just as much as it saddened me. The last thing I need or want is pity.

The last thing I thought about was my friends, and their lives. Some of them seem like the same carefree slackers that I knew back in high school, and I think the "slacker" part might have something to do with the lack of change in their lifestyle. But a good majority of the people I know are living radically different lives than I remember. We've all changed so much, and the fact of this never ceases to take my breath away. I wish we could all get back together like the old days, but our lives are so hectic and all heading in such radically different directions that make it almost impossible. Our lives can only move forward, bursting out, and we can never re-visit what has already happened. We can only cherish the beauty of the time we've been given and take it with us as we go forward into the future.

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