Sunday, March 6, 2011

"Teeth" The God-Forsaken Review

As if the hardcore Christians hadn't already done enough to try to scare hormonal teen boys away from sex, there is a new reason to be abstain and be afraid. Very afraid. Of lady parts.

Teeth, the 2007 comedy-horror movie proves to be the most pretentiously artsy piece of shit I've ever seen. Whoops, sorry I've already broken some rules good review writing. I shouldn't just bluntly throw it out there. Or maybe I should just get to the point, like this movie should have done.

First of all, it's obvious the production value is awful. Every actor is on the brink of looking normal, but they don't quite make the cut. Is this shallow of me? Probably, but god damn, I've never seen a teen girl protagonist be so unattractive and bad at acting simultaneously before.

The girl (I couldn't give less of a fuck what the character's name is) spends most of her time awkwardly speaking to brain-washed Jesus-freak drones about abstinence. However, when a hunky-new guy comes into her life, she, well she decides to invite him to the middle of nowhere, a wooded area suitable for teen shagging. However, the two arrive at a waterfall and are sufficiently stripped down, she pussies (pun intended) out. Don't fret though, because Mr. Hunk is still down to do the deed! He attempts to rape her, before having his manhood chomped away.

Without giving too much away, this is how the rest of the movie goes. Everyone thinks they can take advantage of this girl who does her best to act autistic, only to have their junk torn away. It would be an interesting and terrifying film, if only anyone could act. But don't blame the actors too much, I believe the director made sure they were all adequately sedated before beginning to film. The dialog (of which, there is very little) is so shitty put together, these poor E-list actors never would've had a chance. The only dude who does a decent job is John Hensley (he's also in Fifty Pills, which is a decent movie and 231 times better than this shit). You can tell the dude is trying his best, but with a story this retarded, it just was not meant to be.

The sad part is, this movie wasn't even so bad it was funny. It was just soooo bad. I'm not saying I didn't laugh two or three times, but there was seriously so much more to be desired in the "comedy" department, especially when that's one of the two genres they were going for.

It moves as slow as Napoleon Dynamite with none of the sweet and humorous overtones (it's about an hour and a half long, it feels like four). Critics at Sundance praised this film, probably because it's so dumb that only a handful of hyper-hipster fucks could truly appreciate the morphine-induced beauty within this shithole flick.

If you are still reading and thinking about watching it, please first consider the following statement: I literally have never before felt as though I've wasted my life as much as I did while watching this movie.

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