From an Honest Soul

Music really is a wonderful thing. It can bring people together, mend hearts, change lives. It doesn't matter who you are; everyone can find music that speaks to them, evokes such emotions that nothing else could. There are some songs that I can honestly say have changed me as a person. There are so many artists and bands whose music has shaped the person I am today, yet I'll never be able to thank them for all they've done.

As much as I may have my issues with the town, I really am thankful to have been able to live in Pella. The friends I made, the thing I've learned, and all the many experiences I've gained, I could never have gotten anywhere else. Being in college, I've realized how lucky I was to have spent my high school years in a place that had an active music scene. I've tried talking to people about the towns they came from, and so many of them have said that they never used to go to concerts and see local bands, or see any local musicians.

Being able to do that created such a huge impact on me. It lit a fire in my that's been burning ever since; it created the passion for music that made me want to start making music of my own, which eventually led it's way into the creation of A Rainy Day for Jupiter (my old band). So many people talk about how they would love to start a band and play shows, or that they would love to be able to record an album. That's something that a lot of people talk about, but seldom do they ever actually follow through with it. 

I was able to do all of that before I was out of high school, and I want music to stay as much a part of my life now and in the future as it was back in those days, when my friends and I would get together in the basement every single day and work on our songs. So to all those musicians who've impacted me, both famous acts and aspiring local artists, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. 

Untitled Story or Poem or Whatever (the Result of Being Really Tired)

There is a boy,
well, really he's a man.
He's mostly grown up,
but he hasn't got a real plan.
Everything in his life seems predetermined,
but not by fate or God,
but by the fabrics of society,
blanketing and blinding him.

But the boy (or man) keeps walking along,
and now it seems beauty has intervened,
and the streets are paved and gleaming,
new green is growing when others are leaving.
But despite all the new additions to his yard,
there's an empty spot in the back, near the pond.

And it doesn't feel right,
it's been gone for sometime,
the spot where something used to sit but now has not been for quite a while.

Was it ever really there?
"Yes", he swears, he's seen it before. It haunts his dreams and it's carved in his floor and everyone else thinks the garden is full.
But tragically, only he can see the decay,
the waste and the spreading of nightmares and grey.
Knowing this one thing gone is the key to all things,
the bringer of joy and freedom and open field dreams.

He walks over the grave,
so deep he can't see,
the bottom or end, transcending the earth.
And he looks out on the wasteland that others call his turf,
and they enviously glare at his supposed achievements,
without ever finding a channel to reach him,
because perception is altered from body to body,
time has changed even the modest to haughty.

The man trudges on.
He tries to look forward but suddenly looks back,
and the small boy he sees, he is taken aback,
and he falls to his knees and wants the past so bad,
but it is not for the man, only for the boy.
He knows not how he knows, but only that he does know,
and it is cement in his mind, it is certainly so.

So the man sighs deeply and marches on,
knowing not what he'll come across,
but knowing he'll find another spot to lay,
and new gardens to grow,
and new air to be breathed,
new life to be seen,
fresh surroundings.

And maybe, the man, he startles to think,
will cross the barrier that borders the brink,
of the thing he's been missing this whole time,
the oldest of old desires for all of man kind,
love, and just a little more time.

The Eulogy

More beautiful and heartbreakingly eloquent than anything I could say.

Mazes and Sums

"You have to believe that life is more than the sum of its parts, kiddo."

I watched The United States of Leland for the first time in a long time today, and if I had a strong emotional connection to the movie before, it was made all the more poignant watching it again at this point in my life. More than anything, the quote from Mrs. Calderon stuck out to my, and her words rang through my head for the rest of the day.

It seems like such a simple concept, but it's a monumental task to perform. Believing the truth in that statement may be one of the most difficult things a person could do in their lives. Try as I might,  at the notion; that all our brokenness, all the loose pieces and frayed ends that make up our lives could somehow, when put into context and seen as a whole, give the events true meaning.

Now, I am a Catholic, and I believe in God. Sure, I know a lot about my faith, but I've never really thought about the idea that everything I've been through had a purpose. All the pain I've gone through, the hardships my family has endured, the people we've lost, the mistakes I've made... The idea that somehow it could be for our betterment unnerves me to no end. I don't know what scares me more, the idea that nothing has meaning except for what we assign to it, or the idea that everything I've had to go through in my life is honestly there for some purpose that I can't see.

Maybe I just can't see it the right way, like a rat in a maze. Hopefully, I find the exit that goes to the cheese instead of the electro-shock-y things.

Sunflowers

I once visited Hungary, and the one thing that I remember the most about it was the sunflower fields. You could look to the horizon and see a literal sea of them. I miss that.

Scariest. Movie. Ever.

Seriously. Watch this movie. I'm not going to put up a full-fledged review until I see the sequel, then I can pull a double review. Until then, just... Holy balls.

Why, She's Quite... Oh My.

Richard Dawkins=Emma Watson?

Up and Over We Go

Hoo boy, it's been a while since anyone posted anything on this thing. So now you get a nice post full of what's been going on in my life and my mind lately! I was supposed to do a bunch of updating over Spring Break, but things were honestly moving waaaaay too fast for me to get a chance to do much of anything.

On the bright side, though, it was the most thoroughly enjoyable times in recent memory. I got to see a lot of faces that I've missed, as well as a lot of new ones. It really felt like the beginning of a new time in my life. I got to see Patrick, and we literally talked the night away in one of the best discussions in the history of deep talks done in a tiny, dirty kitchen above a butcher's shop. 

I'm so unbelievably lucky to have friends that I can be serious with when I need to be, because it helps our relationship grow closer, and I cherish the friendships I have. Getting to hang out with the old group of friends again was amazing; seeing Kyle, Eric, and Brody never fails to put me in an amazing mood. We celebrated Eric's birthday and reminisced about the old days, which was an experience in itself.

Looking back now, I never realized just how much I've been able to experience with my friends in my life until we actually went and talked about all the stuff we've done. We've done a lot of things that most people never get to experience. People talk all the time about wanting to start a band and play shows and record music, but my friends and I actually got to experience it, which makes me proud beyond belief. The crazy nights, the insane pop culture discussions (especially involving which power from Avatar: The Last Airbender would be the best), the adventures and terrible ideas that we somehow convinced ourselves into thinking were good, which always resulted in hilarity.

I just nostalged so hard (yes, it's a verb now).

I Can Go The Distance

Pinkie Out!

Oh Intuhnet, you so silly!

A Few Meandering Thoughts

I'm pretty sure that the universe itself is fueled by irony. I'm getting ahead of myself though, more on that later. It's been hard for me to do much writing lately, and I still don't really know why. It's just been hard to collect my thoughts lately. Now it's Spring Break, and I've been doing nothing but thinking. It's been a tough couple of months, and for the first time since my breakup, I don't have anything going on to distract me; no homework, no tests, no concerts, no dances. Nothing. So it's just been me and my thoughts for the past day and a half. Finally, I think I have things straightened out in my head, so I'm taking this time to get all of it out of my system.

First thing  that I can think of to talk about is of the one thing I really hate talking about. In front of me, I have a bag that has every memento from my previous relationship. My first instinct (which also happens to appeal to my inner pyromaniac) is to burn it, not out of impunity, but out of respect for the ending of that portion of my life. A new beginning, I suppose. Another part of me, though, never wants to forget what happened, because it did bring me a lot of joy that I don't want to let go of.

On a related note, as I said before, the universe must run on irony, because Spring Break is what I've been looking forward to for quite some time, but now that I'm here, I keep having this want to leave. Now, I want to see my friends and all the people I've been missing, but when I'm not with them, this town feels different. I went to church today, and I caught the stares of several people I knew that are still in high school. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I know that what happened was known by quite a few people around school, and I couldn't help but see pity in their gazes, and it enraged me just as much as it saddened me. The last thing I need or want is pity.

The last thing I thought about was my friends, and their lives. Some of them seem like the same carefree slackers that I knew back in high school, and I think the "slacker" part might have something to do with the lack of change in their lifestyle. But a good majority of the people I know are living radically different lives than I remember. We've all changed so much, and the fact of this never ceases to take my breath away. I wish we could all get back together like the old days, but our lives are so hectic and all heading in such radically different directions that make it almost impossible. Our lives can only move forward, bursting out, and we can never re-visit what has already happened. We can only cherish the beauty of the time we've been given and take it with us as we go forward into the future.

"Act III: Modulate Back to the Tonic"

I would have done horrible, unforgivable things just to have been able to see this live.

Everyone is a DICK.

They say, the world is at my disposal. What they seem to leave out, is that I don't have the power to control or keep track of all that will and DOES go on in this world. The world is FAR from your grasp.

I may have mentioned before, but growing up really does fucking suck. Now maybe you're in high school, and you're thinking, "Oh my my, high school is so hard and there is so much going on." Well, I will tell you it's nothing compared to what you will soon experience.

I will give you a quick overview of my life. I am 18, I have moved out of my home and now live with my amazingly beautiful girlfriend and her two-year-old son. I have a job at Papa John's, and it would seem like everything is golden. Not quite the truth. The truth is that when you become an adult, you will do what you think you have to do, what you think is the right thing, and then your heart will tell you it is wrong. Now, our hearts tell us what we need to do, to be fulfilled that is. I am happy where I am, but I could be happier. I deal with much stress each day and the fights I get into with my loved one get more and more intense each day. I don't want this, and neither does she. BUT WHY DOES IT HAPPEN??? On top of this, I have friends that I never see anymore, and every time I come around I never seem to have enough time to get to see all of them, and I have a friend in particular that I needed to call... but so far I haven't called him back. I feel like a bastard every time I breathe. My music is no longer differing from the other shit that I write. THIS IS BEING AN ADULT??? All of my friends are lying to me about the people that they are having sex with and the love that they are having, as if I gave two shits (SPOILER ALERT: I don't give a shit. I'm only upset because they lied to me). My life may seem like shit, and that's only the half of it. But I'm not gonna sit here and tell you about my problems. I just need to get the point across that growing up is the worst thing that can happen to you. It DESTROYS you as a person, and turns you from a human being into something mechanical and not living. Every day I think about all the shit I have on my agenda, and the days when I have to work, and I actually wonder whether or not I'm going to have sex that night.

After seven months of dating, things don't stay the way they were, and as you get to know someone, you see how much they let you down. It's a sad, sad fact. And there is something I want to say to my friend that I haven't called because I was too ashamed... I love you friend, and I'm sorry. I don't want you to be disappointed in me for my actions, for they are just the poor exertions of my soul. My body cries out for freedom, yet I will never receive it. I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY.

Let's say for a second that I did what was right. I left my girlfriend... and I lived alone in solitude where I want to be. Would I finally be happy?

NO.

I would get what I truly wanted from life, but lose what I had that was so good. WOMEN are a curse. AND PEOPLE are a curse. LIFE itself is a curse.

Yes, it's horrible, and yes, I seem like a troubled person, but at least I can admit the pains of my life. I'm going to call that person which has been expecting my call for so long, and GOD DAMMIT, I will talk to him, and show him that I am not a bastard, just ashamed. Ashamed of the life I am living.

And so we will blog on... into the night, and for awhile feel like we are free of our problems. When really we're just preaching to a choir... a choir of socialpathic liars and cheaters just like us... looking for answers just like us. I say that I am a wise man to some extent. But I am not that wise. I try to follow these two easy guidelines:

1. Don't lie.

2. Don't be a piece of shit.

It's a Sign

So true.

Happiness

Ah, Happiness, my old friend, it's been so long. I'm glad we've decided to see each other again.

This morning, I woke up in a daze. I dressed myself with almost no thought, and I was listening to Something Corporate as I walked up to my class when I suddenly realized something: I live in a beautiful place, surrounded by some of the nicest people I've ever met. I could not ask to be in a better place to spend my college years. Maybe it wasn't the most thoroughly researched decision, but I'm convinced that it was the right one.

During my two month stint in the prison of Misery, I questioned going somewhere so far away from home and everyone I knew. I told myself that I should never have come here, that I don't belong here, that I had no future here. It took a very tough decision to make me finally see just how beautiful things were here. I can finally drink deep from the cup of life and really get the most out of my college experience.

I'm going to meet people. I'm going to push my limits. I'm going to grow as a person. I'm going to learn more than I ever have before, and I'm going to actually experience life in ways completely new ways. Sounds cheesy, but it's the thing that I want more than anything right now. I can't wait.

It only took me a whole semester plus two months to actually get to begin that. Oh well, there's no time like the present, eh?

"Teeth" The God-Forsaken Review

As if the hardcore Christians hadn't already done enough to try to scare hormonal teen boys away from sex, there is a new reason to be abstain and be afraid. Very afraid. Of lady parts.

Teeth, the 2007 comedy-horror movie proves to be the most pretentiously artsy piece of shit I've ever seen. Whoops, sorry I've already broken some rules good review writing. I shouldn't just bluntly throw it out there. Or maybe I should just get to the point, like this movie should have done.

First of all, it's obvious the production value is awful. Every actor is on the brink of looking normal, but they don't quite make the cut. Is this shallow of me? Probably, but god damn, I've never seen a teen girl protagonist be so unattractive and bad at acting simultaneously before.

The girl (I couldn't give less of a fuck what the character's name is) spends most of her time awkwardly speaking to brain-washed Jesus-freak drones about abstinence. However, when a hunky-new guy comes into her life, she, well she decides to invite him to the middle of nowhere, a wooded area suitable for teen shagging. However, the two arrive at a waterfall and are sufficiently stripped down, she pussies (pun intended) out. Don't fret though, because Mr. Hunk is still down to do the deed! He attempts to rape her, before having his manhood chomped away.

Without giving too much away, this is how the rest of the movie goes. Everyone thinks they can take advantage of this girl who does her best to act autistic, only to have their junk torn away. It would be an interesting and terrifying film, if only anyone could act. But don't blame the actors too much, I believe the director made sure they were all adequately sedated before beginning to film. The dialog (of which, there is very little) is so shitty put together, these poor E-list actors never would've had a chance. The only dude who does a decent job is John Hensley (he's also in Fifty Pills, which is a decent movie and 231 times better than this shit). You can tell the dude is trying his best, but with a story this retarded, it just was not meant to be.

The sad part is, this movie wasn't even so bad it was funny. It was just soooo bad. I'm not saying I didn't laugh two or three times, but there was seriously so much more to be desired in the "comedy" department, especially when that's one of the two genres they were going for.

It moves as slow as Napoleon Dynamite with none of the sweet and humorous overtones (it's about an hour and a half long, it feels like four). Critics at Sundance praised this film, probably because it's so dumb that only a handful of hyper-hipster fucks could truly appreciate the morphine-induced beauty within this shithole flick.

If you are still reading and thinking about watching it, please first consider the following statement: I literally have never before felt as though I've wasted my life as much as I did while watching this movie.

Don't Call It A Comeback

Holy crap has this been a crazy couple of weeks. But I'm through it. I've fought the good fight, and I made a judgment call. And, strangely enough, I don't feel as bad as I expected to. I don't know how at all, but (as Claire from Heroes said back when the show was awesome, i.e. season one) I walked through fire and I didn't get burned.

Time to start stretching those flirting muscles, 'cause I'm back, baby!

While You Do Something Meaningful.

I haven't had a lot of time to get on here. And that's a sad fact. On the bright side though I always have time to listen to music. Tonight I did all of my homework, while laying in bed naked, with strep throat and diarrhea. Yeah. Gross. Although laying in bed naked with my woman all day was nice I still felt like shit. Now, I have this weird thing, about whether or not my days are good or bad. Usually it comes down to this: No matter what happens during the day as long as I have a good night, it's a good day.

Tonight I got a hot ass bubble bath made for myself, and I sat in it listening to Andrew Bird. Now the reason I call this entry "While you do something meaningful." is plainly because before you play this video you had better be ready to listen to the whole god damn thing and seriously reflect, and relax of course. It's important that you take a moment out of your busy lives to listen to something great, and that in itself is a meaningful thing. Like we say here at Glassjaw Boxing, "Bitches are not shit, but hoes and tricks. So please lick these testicles and suck our dicks." I hope all you girls and lovely men have a good night out there. And please listen to more Andrew Bird, the guy knows what he's fucking doing.

Oh Yes...

Gentlemen, say hello to my latest celebrity crush:

Why Dianna Agron, you ask? Well, not only is she amazingly beautiful, but check out her celebrity playlist on Youtube. A hot girl with the same musical tastes as me? I must be in Heaven.