Scariest. Movie. Ever.

Seriously. Watch this movie. I'm not going to put up a full-fledged review until I see the sequel, then I can pull a double review. Until then, just... Holy balls.

"Teeth" The God-Forsaken Review

As if the hardcore Christians hadn't already done enough to try to scare hormonal teen boys away from sex, there is a new reason to be abstain and be afraid. Very afraid. Of lady parts.

Teeth, the 2007 comedy-horror movie proves to be the most pretentiously artsy piece of shit I've ever seen. Whoops, sorry I've already broken some rules good review writing. I shouldn't just bluntly throw it out there. Or maybe I should just get to the point, like this movie should have done.

First of all, it's obvious the production value is awful. Every actor is on the brink of looking normal, but they don't quite make the cut. Is this shallow of me? Probably, but god damn, I've never seen a teen girl protagonist be so unattractive and bad at acting simultaneously before.

The girl (I couldn't give less of a fuck what the character's name is) spends most of her time awkwardly speaking to brain-washed Jesus-freak drones about abstinence. However, when a hunky-new guy comes into her life, she, well she decides to invite him to the middle of nowhere, a wooded area suitable for teen shagging. However, the two arrive at a waterfall and are sufficiently stripped down, she pussies (pun intended) out. Don't fret though, because Mr. Hunk is still down to do the deed! He attempts to rape her, before having his manhood chomped away.

Without giving too much away, this is how the rest of the movie goes. Everyone thinks they can take advantage of this girl who does her best to act autistic, only to have their junk torn away. It would be an interesting and terrifying film, if only anyone could act. But don't blame the actors too much, I believe the director made sure they were all adequately sedated before beginning to film. The dialog (of which, there is very little) is so shitty put together, these poor E-list actors never would've had a chance. The only dude who does a decent job is John Hensley (he's also in Fifty Pills, which is a decent movie and 231 times better than this shit). You can tell the dude is trying his best, but with a story this retarded, it just was not meant to be.

The sad part is, this movie wasn't even so bad it was funny. It was just soooo bad. I'm not saying I didn't laugh two or three times, but there was seriously so much more to be desired in the "comedy" department, especially when that's one of the two genres they were going for.

It moves as slow as Napoleon Dynamite with none of the sweet and humorous overtones (it's about an hour and a half long, it feels like four). Critics at Sundance praised this film, probably because it's so dumb that only a handful of hyper-hipster fucks could truly appreciate the morphine-induced beauty within this shithole flick.

If you are still reading and thinking about watching it, please first consider the following statement: I literally have never before felt as though I've wasted my life as much as I did while watching this movie.

Movie Review: "Dogtooth"

Sometimes, I wonder why I do this to myself. Like my initial viewing of Lars Von Trier's film Antichrist, I'm left in the wake of this movie not sure if I'm more intrigued, amazed, or disturbed by the events that have just passed before my eyes. However, there's no doubt that this is a film that I'm going to remember for a long time to come.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start you off with a small sense of what's going on before we enter into solid "What is going on?" territory. The story revolves around a small family (whose names are never stated) living in a compound where their children are essentially isolated from the rest of the world. They never venture outside the grounds, and a high fence prevents them from seeing anything beyond the borders of their home. The children (who aren't exactly children, as they look like they're in they're twenties) are taught things like the "sea" being a type of armchair and that a "zombie" is a kind of flower.

Strange, yes, but stay with me here. As a young man, the eldest son has certain... needs... that need to be sated. This brings us to our only named character, Christine. A co-worker at the factory where the father works, she is brought in from time to time to please the son. Sexually. Not wanting to go further into the story, I'll leave it at that, but simply add that sexual exploration and a lot of depravity are introduced into the story because of her.

The film, in terms of cinematography is beautifully shot. Each scene seems so realistic but, at the same time, retains an air of surreality, keeping the viewer off-kilter and ever-so unnerved about what might happen in the story. The compositions of shots are often strange, but makes the images and the movie all the more compelling.

Dogtooth is a film that raises far more questions than it has answers. For some this will be a massive point of frustration, leaving you bewildered and slightly pissed-off. But if you come in with the right frame of mind, I think you'll find a truly bizarre work of art that is thought-provoking... as well as balls-to-the-wall crazy.

I give this film an 8 out of 10. But a 10 out of 10 on the "WTF?!" scale.