A Little Love at First Sight.

I don't think a lot of people honestly believe in "love at first sight," and I don't blame them. Most people just play it off as a little infatuation. Well, I do believe there is love at first sight, and honestly, how can you NOT look at someone and just fall into love with them? But honestly, it probably is a lot of just infatuation, but isn't that really how it starts in the first place??? Birds and bees don't get online and get paired up with the bird or bee that best fits their personalities. And I can think of many instances where I would walk up to the pretty girl at a party and strike up a conversation. Not because "mating" is on my mind or anyone else's, but I think most people thinking logically would look for the pretty girl and hope she's the one, so that you at least don't have to worry that you're in love with someone you're not even attracted to.

So now I get the construed part...

This is me: I am the kind of guy who believes in this crap, yes, but my way about it is different than most, I would say. For instance, I enjoy the feeling of falling in love with women still, even though I'm in a relationship. I know it seems ridiculous, but here is a story for you...

Okay, so I'm walking with my best friend down the streets of Pella in the middle of winter. I'm still dating my darling, but this weekend we were visiting friends. As we're walking from his old place in town to the coffee shop, I had "love at first sight." It is literally a half-block to the coffee shop, and in this time span I caught the eye of this beautiful woman I had never met before or seen before. Things like this make me really think that the world is alive in some way. But that's another subject. So, I see this beauty in the window of a parts store as I'm walking by. Now, this moment we shared was only for an instant, and that needs to be clear. I looked at her, and she was setting up a Christmas tree in the store window. She was bending the fake branches at the top which reached her breast, but even though she seems so busy, for this short moment our eyes met. It kinda felt like it was in slow motion. I waved. She smiled. And instantly I was filled with this energy and well-feeling. And I told Gage about it as we walked on, and it was over. He, of course, didn't really understand when I said I just fell in love.

I love my girlfriend with all of my heart, and I know if she were to read this she would feel a little uncomfortable, or maybe jealous. Honestly, though, what happened to me that winter was something that not only happened to me when I met her, but happens when I meet most people. It just a thing that happens. And honestly it would be impossible not to fall in love again WHILE being committed with another. What distinguishes the men from the bastards is whether or not you act on the feeling or moment. I would never. But such a feeling is wonderful. These kind of things should be encouraged to happen, but they should also be kept secretive in a way. If you're like me, and you already have someone, they might get uneasy to hear this kind of stuff. And even if you tell them it doesn't matter until they believe it doesn't, it still puts a little tension in the air. But don't feel like a piece of shit because you're keeping secrets.

So. Point in case. Falling in love is like breathing. You do it all the time, even without thinking. Whether it be in love with a man or with a woman or with a t.v. show or complete strangers. So love, and breathe, of course, or you will die.

Everyone is a DICK.

They say, the world is at my disposal. What they seem to leave out, is that I don't have the power to control or keep track of all that will and DOES go on in this world. The world is FAR from your grasp.

I may have mentioned before, but growing up really does fucking suck. Now maybe you're in high school, and you're thinking, "Oh my my, high school is so hard and there is so much going on." Well, I will tell you it's nothing compared to what you will soon experience.

I will give you a quick overview of my life. I am 18, I have moved out of my home and now live with my amazingly beautiful girlfriend and her two-year-old son. I have a job at Papa John's, and it would seem like everything is golden. Not quite the truth. The truth is that when you become an adult, you will do what you think you have to do, what you think is the right thing, and then your heart will tell you it is wrong. Now, our hearts tell us what we need to do, to be fulfilled that is. I am happy where I am, but I could be happier. I deal with much stress each day and the fights I get into with my loved one get more and more intense each day. I don't want this, and neither does she. BUT WHY DOES IT HAPPEN??? On top of this, I have friends that I never see anymore, and every time I come around I never seem to have enough time to get to see all of them, and I have a friend in particular that I needed to call... but so far I haven't called him back. I feel like a bastard every time I breathe. My music is no longer differing from the other shit that I write. THIS IS BEING AN ADULT??? All of my friends are lying to me about the people that they are having sex with and the love that they are having, as if I gave two shits (SPOILER ALERT: I don't give a shit. I'm only upset because they lied to me). My life may seem like shit, and that's only the half of it. But I'm not gonna sit here and tell you about my problems. I just need to get the point across that growing up is the worst thing that can happen to you. It DESTROYS you as a person, and turns you from a human being into something mechanical and not living. Every day I think about all the shit I have on my agenda, and the days when I have to work, and I actually wonder whether or not I'm going to have sex that night.

After seven months of dating, things don't stay the way they were, and as you get to know someone, you see how much they let you down. It's a sad, sad fact. And there is something I want to say to my friend that I haven't called because I was too ashamed... I love you friend, and I'm sorry. I don't want you to be disappointed in me for my actions, for they are just the poor exertions of my soul. My body cries out for freedom, yet I will never receive it. I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY.

Let's say for a second that I did what was right. I left my girlfriend... and I lived alone in solitude where I want to be. Would I finally be happy?

NO.

I would get what I truly wanted from life, but lose what I had that was so good. WOMEN are a curse. AND PEOPLE are a curse. LIFE itself is a curse.

Yes, it's horrible, and yes, I seem like a troubled person, but at least I can admit the pains of my life. I'm going to call that person which has been expecting my call for so long, and GOD DAMMIT, I will talk to him, and show him that I am not a bastard, just ashamed. Ashamed of the life I am living.

And so we will blog on... into the night, and for awhile feel like we are free of our problems. When really we're just preaching to a choir... a choir of socialpathic liars and cheaters just like us... looking for answers just like us. I say that I am a wise man to some extent. But I am not that wise. I try to follow these two easy guidelines:

1. Don't lie.

2. Don't be a piece of shit.

Happiness

Ah, Happiness, my old friend, it's been so long. I'm glad we've decided to see each other again.

This morning, I woke up in a daze. I dressed myself with almost no thought, and I was listening to Something Corporate as I walked up to my class when I suddenly realized something: I live in a beautiful place, surrounded by some of the nicest people I've ever met. I could not ask to be in a better place to spend my college years. Maybe it wasn't the most thoroughly researched decision, but I'm convinced that it was the right one.

During my two month stint in the prison of Misery, I questioned going somewhere so far away from home and everyone I knew. I told myself that I should never have come here, that I don't belong here, that I had no future here. It took a very tough decision to make me finally see just how beautiful things were here. I can finally drink deep from the cup of life and really get the most out of my college experience.

I'm going to meet people. I'm going to push my limits. I'm going to grow as a person. I'm going to learn more than I ever have before, and I'm going to actually experience life in ways completely new ways. Sounds cheesy, but it's the thing that I want more than anything right now. I can't wait.

It only took me a whole semester plus two months to actually get to begin that. Oh well, there's no time like the present, eh?

While You Do Something Meaningful.

I haven't had a lot of time to get on here. And that's a sad fact. On the bright side though I always have time to listen to music. Tonight I did all of my homework, while laying in bed naked, with strep throat and diarrhea. Yeah. Gross. Although laying in bed naked with my woman all day was nice I still felt like shit. Now, I have this weird thing, about whether or not my days are good or bad. Usually it comes down to this: No matter what happens during the day as long as I have a good night, it's a good day.

Tonight I got a hot ass bubble bath made for myself, and I sat in it listening to Andrew Bird. Now the reason I call this entry "While you do something meaningful." is plainly because before you play this video you had better be ready to listen to the whole god damn thing and seriously reflect, and relax of course. It's important that you take a moment out of your busy lives to listen to something great, and that in itself is a meaningful thing. Like we say here at Glassjaw Boxing, "Bitches are not shit, but hoes and tricks. So please lick these testicles and suck our dicks." I hope all you girls and lovely men have a good night out there. And please listen to more Andrew Bird, the guy knows what he's fucking doing.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...

I... don't even know where to begin in my mind. You know that feeling you get when you're standing on the edge of some ridiculously huge precipice and you look down and you don't really get dizzy (so I don't know if it's the same as vertigo) but you get this awful twitch in the back of your mind that, for some reason or another, you're legs are going to jump your ass off the edge, even if your mind doesn't want to?

Well, that's how things are for me. Have been. For quite a while now.

Thankfully, it hasn't all been awful... Oh, wait, yes it has. HOWEVER, I've managed to not only:

A) actually grown in my faith, but I've also B) grow as a person more than I have ever thought possible, at the expense of my happiness and ability to function in normal society. Considering the way my parents raised me, anyone who knew my family would assume I was a good, upstanding person living a moral and positive life.

Not so. I'm not a model citizen, and I'm not the ideal standard of virtue for people. I'm pretty much the opposite of that. Normally, this is the point where I would deride myself, call myself awful things and hate myself with a burning intensity rivaling that of the sun. But I don't anymore. I accept what I am, and I've learned to deal with it in a constructive matter. So many things that I've done were completely terrible and I had absolutely no idea at the time of how destructive my behavior was, not only to myself but to others as well.

One of the biggest problems I've had was jealousy. I was insecure about myself, and found every other guy imaginable threatening. Looking back, it was the stupidest, saddest display of cowardice and insecurity that I've ever seen. As a result, it ended (with other complications) in the eventual undoing of my relationship. I accept all the blame, and I've been able to overcome it. Now I know how to feel, and how to act properly if I'm ever in another relationship (this is one of the biggest if's in the entire universe).

I don't regret being in that relationship. I feel bad for the pain I caused, both to her and girls in the past, and I can't say I enjoyed the way things had to end, but I've learned that to regret something or to wish something never was is like saying you wish you had never experienced something good. The good and the bad in life are inseparable. And the amount of good I received from those experiences is extraordinary. 

I wish nothing but the best for them, with no ill will and only the request for forgiveness for the way I've acted. If any of them read this, all I have to say is: thank you, for the beauty and joy you showed me in our time together. I will treasure the memories forever, and carry you in my heart.

I'm not making any claims to achieving some kind of saintly status or anything. I'm still a pretty shitty person, and I have a long way to go before I'll ever call myself "good." But sometimes, you have to look at the distance traveled, rather than your current place in life.

A Much-Needed Rant

I'm probably not going to feel this way when I wake up tomorrow, but there's too much going on inside to everything simmer until morning. I'm not usually like this, and the fact that it's coinciding with Valentine's Day is just a coincidence... I think.

Humans are awful, miserable creatures. Not merely content with the difficulties of life and the problems we face from simply trying to survive, we have to create even more problems for ourselves. Human interaction brings nothing but pain and hardship, even the most successful ones. The sad thing is that our minds filter the experience, leaving only the pleasant ones and shutting out the painful ones. Rose-colored lenses that fuck us up and make things seem better than they really are. Why do we do this?

Love.

Not real love, of course. The notion of love. The idea. The impossibility of being able to describe love leads to false notions of what love could be. Those who haven't felt love mistake some other kind of emotion for love, and end up clinging to it for dear life. In spite of all the signs, all the warnings and signposts that signal an unhealthy relationship, they tell themselves that this really is love, and force themselves to believe in something that's not really there. A cynical view, I suppose, but one that I think everyone can either relate to personally, or recognize as happening to someone else. Of course, if it is happening to you, you won't know it. You'll still be in ignorant blissful misery.

Am I talking about this out of personal experience? I couldn't say. It's impossible for someone to view themselves dispassionately when they're in the midst of the situation. Emotions cloud judgments, anger creates problems that stay in spite of the emotion's fleeting nature. Fuck, I'm starting to sound like a Stoic. Stupid philosophy class, making me draw connections to my life.

I didn't start writing this with an end in mind, only to get my thoughts down in writing. I don't have an answer to this problem, and there's no way to fix past mistakes. This is a problem that people are going to be having for as long as that elusive idea of love continues to seduce people with it's allure.

Fuck love.