Things to Ponder...

Soul Food

"Recursion Error"

[Verse]
Of course I made the first move
That's just the only way to play
Call me over-ambitious
But I move faster with you out of the way
You left so much of yourself when you left me in the dust
So I'm  dropping this baggage
To see where it lands us now

[Chorus]
Who needs closure when I've got my composure
Nobody wants to see that anyway
Who needs a lover when she's under the covers
With somebody she won't see the next day

[Verse]
I'm not usually like this
How many times have I heard that
Carefully constructed phrases
To make you seem like you've got a bit of class
All the boys want to take you home for the the night
And I'm just a victim
Who got under your skin

[Chorus]
Who needs closure when I've got my composure
Nobody wants to see that anyway
Who needs a lover when she's under the covers
With somebody she won't see the next day

[Bridge]
Do you know what you're getting into?
Your lack of age is starting to show
They say you should never kiss and tell
But with me, they're all gonna know
We both knew the risks when we jumped off the edge
I'm anything but harmless
But I'll play it regardless

[Chorus]
Who needs closure when I've got my composure
Nobody wants to see that anyway
Who needs a lover when she's under the covers
With somebody she won't see the next day

[Chorus]
Who needs closure when I've got my composure
Nobody wants to see that anyway
Who needs a lover when she's under the covers
With somebody she won't see the next day

A Little Love at First Sight.

I don't think a lot of people honestly believe in "love at first sight," and I don't blame them. Most people just play it off as a little infatuation. Well, I do believe there is love at first sight, and honestly, how can you NOT look at someone and just fall into love with them? But honestly, it probably is a lot of just infatuation, but isn't that really how it starts in the first place??? Birds and bees don't get online and get paired up with the bird or bee that best fits their personalities. And I can think of many instances where I would walk up to the pretty girl at a party and strike up a conversation. Not because "mating" is on my mind or anyone else's, but I think most people thinking logically would look for the pretty girl and hope she's the one, so that you at least don't have to worry that you're in love with someone you're not even attracted to.

So now I get the construed part...

This is me: I am the kind of guy who believes in this crap, yes, but my way about it is different than most, I would say. For instance, I enjoy the feeling of falling in love with women still, even though I'm in a relationship. I know it seems ridiculous, but here is a story for you...

Okay, so I'm walking with my best friend down the streets of Pella in the middle of winter. I'm still dating my darling, but this weekend we were visiting friends. As we're walking from his old place in town to the coffee shop, I had "love at first sight." It is literally a half-block to the coffee shop, and in this time span I caught the eye of this beautiful woman I had never met before or seen before. Things like this make me really think that the world is alive in some way. But that's another subject. So, I see this beauty in the window of a parts store as I'm walking by. Now, this moment we shared was only for an instant, and that needs to be clear. I looked at her, and she was setting up a Christmas tree in the store window. She was bending the fake branches at the top which reached her breast, but even though she seems so busy, for this short moment our eyes met. It kinda felt like it was in slow motion. I waved. She smiled. And instantly I was filled with this energy and well-feeling. And I told Gage about it as we walked on, and it was over. He, of course, didn't really understand when I said I just fell in love.

I love my girlfriend with all of my heart, and I know if she were to read this she would feel a little uncomfortable, or maybe jealous. Honestly, though, what happened to me that winter was something that not only happened to me when I met her, but happens when I meet most people. It just a thing that happens. And honestly it would be impossible not to fall in love again WHILE being committed with another. What distinguishes the men from the bastards is whether or not you act on the feeling or moment. I would never. But such a feeling is wonderful. These kind of things should be encouraged to happen, but they should also be kept secretive in a way. If you're like me, and you already have someone, they might get uneasy to hear this kind of stuff. And even if you tell them it doesn't matter until they believe it doesn't, it still puts a little tension in the air. But don't feel like a piece of shit because you're keeping secrets.

So. Point in case. Falling in love is like breathing. You do it all the time, even without thinking. Whether it be in love with a man or with a woman or with a t.v. show or complete strangers. So love, and breathe, of course, or you will die.

Untitled Story or Poem or Whatever (the Result of Being Really Tired)

There is a boy,
well, really he's a man.
He's mostly grown up,
but he hasn't got a real plan.
Everything in his life seems predetermined,
but not by fate or God,
but by the fabrics of society,
blanketing and blinding him.

But the boy (or man) keeps walking along,
and now it seems beauty has intervened,
and the streets are paved and gleaming,
new green is growing when others are leaving.
But despite all the new additions to his yard,
there's an empty spot in the back, near the pond.

And it doesn't feel right,
it's been gone for sometime,
the spot where something used to sit but now has not been for quite a while.

Was it ever really there?
"Yes", he swears, he's seen it before. It haunts his dreams and it's carved in his floor and everyone else thinks the garden is full.
But tragically, only he can see the decay,
the waste and the spreading of nightmares and grey.
Knowing this one thing gone is the key to all things,
the bringer of joy and freedom and open field dreams.

He walks over the grave,
so deep he can't see,
the bottom or end, transcending the earth.
And he looks out on the wasteland that others call his turf,
and they enviously glare at his supposed achievements,
without ever finding a channel to reach him,
because perception is altered from body to body,
time has changed even the modest to haughty.

The man trudges on.
He tries to look forward but suddenly looks back,
and the small boy he sees, he is taken aback,
and he falls to his knees and wants the past so bad,
but it is not for the man, only for the boy.
He knows not how he knows, but only that he does know,
and it is cement in his mind, it is certainly so.

So the man sighs deeply and marches on,
knowing not what he'll come across,
but knowing he'll find another spot to lay,
and new gardens to grow,
and new air to be breathed,
new life to be seen,
fresh surroundings.

And maybe, the man, he startles to think,
will cross the barrier that borders the brink,
of the thing he's been missing this whole time,
the oldest of old desires for all of man kind,
love, and just a little more time.

7 Things I Wish I Had More Of

I was looking at some of the blogs of people I knew, and I came across this concept in the blog of a lovely young lady who I think has one of the most amazing personalities I've ever seen. Every Sunday, she'd make a list of seven things to talk about, ranging from the hilariously trivial to the resoundingly deep. I decided that, since I'm shameless and want to make this blog something special, that I would adopt this idea. So I decided to start with some of the things that have been on my mind: things that I wish I had.

7. Patience. I try my hardest to be patient with people, and, for the most part, I think I succeed. However, there are times, truly crucial times, when my patients cracks from too much wear and I get horribly impatient and easily angered. It's times like these, when I break and do something irrational, that I often get judged for. Never for the quiet patience that I always have for people most of the time, but the few times when my temper reaches a boiling point. I wish these would never have to happen. It's never fun to be judged, especially unfairly, and I would rather not have people telling me they hate me anymore.

6. Sympathy. Now, this shouldn't be confused with wanting empathy. I understand people's feelings and emotions extraordinarily well, which is a good thing, I just can't identify with them a lot. I'm disconnected from really being able to feel their emotions and consider its effects. This, needless to say, is bad. It's probably what makes it so hard for me to make good connections with people.

5. Honesty. This one, I'm all over the place on. There are some people that I tell everything to, and there are some people that I wouldn't trust with my phone number. I have a lot of secrets, and it takes quite a toll to keep them all straight. I just wish I could be 100% honest all the time, even though this probably wouldn't make some people happy, as Liar Liar taught me. However, I would be able to rest a lot easier thanks to it.

4. Faith. With everything I've been going through in my life, I've been living in constant fear. Fear from uncertainty, loss, abuse, and I haven't taken enough time to really look at the big picture. I believe in God. And I realized that, in spite of what I believe, what I want may not be what's best for me in the long run. Only God knows, and, in the end, you can only do so much. The rest is out of your hands. The best you can do is try everything you can do things well, and have faith that it will all turn out alright in the end. I could have used this so much in my life.

3. Strength. I don't mean physical strength. I could get less about that crap. I mean personal strength. The kind that allows a person to stand up and be able to say, even if the rest of the world disagrees with them, exactly what they feel about something. I could only stand idly by, as much as I wish I could get break out and actually be able to stand, strong and tall, and not be afraid of being who I am. This is making me sound like an in-the-closet gay (which would probably be easier than having to deal with women), but that is something that I have been able to respect gay people for. Not the showy gay parade with leather and peacock feathers everywhere, but the kind that's able to say that they're gay, and be unafraid of what others might say.

2. Trust. I am so hesitant to trust people that I'm really not surprised people dislike me for being so reserved. I don't trust easily, and I keep things close to the vest. God knows what kind of world we'd live in if people actually trusted others. I know there would still be liars, but I think that people could live with themselves a lot easier if they could just show a little trust to somebody else. Even if it means trying to comfort someone you don't even know in public. A guy in my building that I'd never really talked to before saw me one night sitting on the stairs, and starting talking to me. He had no idea who I was, and he asked for a little trust, because he might be able to help. That's the kind of guy I wish I was.

1. Love. I think everyone could use more of this in their life. It doesn't matter if you are practically a saint, you can always use more love. Because showing others love is even better than receiving it yourself.

A Much-Needed Rant

I'm probably not going to feel this way when I wake up tomorrow, but there's too much going on inside to everything simmer until morning. I'm not usually like this, and the fact that it's coinciding with Valentine's Day is just a coincidence... I think.

Humans are awful, miserable creatures. Not merely content with the difficulties of life and the problems we face from simply trying to survive, we have to create even more problems for ourselves. Human interaction brings nothing but pain and hardship, even the most successful ones. The sad thing is that our minds filter the experience, leaving only the pleasant ones and shutting out the painful ones. Rose-colored lenses that fuck us up and make things seem better than they really are. Why do we do this?

Love.

Not real love, of course. The notion of love. The idea. The impossibility of being able to describe love leads to false notions of what love could be. Those who haven't felt love mistake some other kind of emotion for love, and end up clinging to it for dear life. In spite of all the signs, all the warnings and signposts that signal an unhealthy relationship, they tell themselves that this really is love, and force themselves to believe in something that's not really there. A cynical view, I suppose, but one that I think everyone can either relate to personally, or recognize as happening to someone else. Of course, if it is happening to you, you won't know it. You'll still be in ignorant blissful misery.

Am I talking about this out of personal experience? I couldn't say. It's impossible for someone to view themselves dispassionately when they're in the midst of the situation. Emotions cloud judgments, anger creates problems that stay in spite of the emotion's fleeting nature. Fuck, I'm starting to sound like a Stoic. Stupid philosophy class, making me draw connections to my life.

I didn't start writing this with an end in mind, only to get my thoughts down in writing. I don't have an answer to this problem, and there's no way to fix past mistakes. This is a problem that people are going to be having for as long as that elusive idea of love continues to seduce people with it's allure.

Fuck love.

Lazy=Love

Writing for this blog was never my idea, and yet here we are. While Ranier may say otherwise, it wasn’t entirely his charm and good looks that convinced me to write for one of the greatest embodiments of hipster culture. The only thing that really inspired me to write was the thought that I may need something to do with my free time, pure and simple. It’s almost comical that I gave up my aversion to the evils of blogs because I felt like I needed to fill my schedule with something productive (I use that term very liberally here). And yet it was this realization of exactly why I chose to write that made me think about just how jammed pack our worlds are with copious amounts of stuff.

Our lives are so full of things these days. School, sports, work, family, friends, the list goes on and on. The world constantly pulls at us from so many directions with all sorts of activities and people that scream for our time and attention. It’s no wonder that the default state of our lives is stress. The funny thing is that we do it to ourselves, gladly signing our time away. There are so many times when I catch myself wishing for something to do when my hands are idle. And it’s not just me. So many of the people I know have this same mentality, feeling like they’ve done something wrong when they’ve got nothing to do.

This is tragic. People should not feel like they have to fill every moment of everyday with some useful activity or feel guilty about indulging their lazy side. Often times it is the moments like an idle Monday afternoon that are the important ones in our lives. I realized this as I stared out the window of my dorm, a moment that would definitely be counted as time ill-spent under the standards of working society.

Be grateful for the times when you have nothing to do, when your hands are still. Please don’t feel guilty when you’re sitting on your ass without an industrious thing to do the whole day. It moments like these that are the best in life. Chances are you’ll fill them up with memories of friends or instances of quiet, thoughtful introspection, and you’ll be thankful for them. Time spent on you and only you is never time poorly spent.

Dear America.

Alright, so what has become of... life as we know it. Things these days are in total chaos and no one really seems to realize what the hell is going on anyway.

Let's go back to the old days... yesterday. I had no ideas such wrong-doings were even happening!!! I was just sitting in my chair, listening to music, eating pizza, and crying. I clearly had no idea what the meaning of life was, and today I still don't, but despite all the bullshit this world has to offer, I woke up today and hugged my girlfriend and her two-year-old son and I said:

"Becky..."

"Yes?"

"I love you, and today I realized actually how much."

"Patrick, what's going on."

"Becky..."

I paused for a while before I told her the frightening news that was haunting my mind since the moment I awoke; the thought that would change how I lived from that moment on.

"What if Sephiroth comes back?"

I can tell all of you pussies now that I'm a changed man. EVERY ONE OF YOU PUSSIES CAN JOIN CLOUD IN THE "SWELLED-UP PISSY PANTS VAGINA CLUB," BUT NOT I!!! I'm gonna stay and fight that fucker.

And I'll just say this. He's coming back for sure. It took hours to defeat him in Final Fantasy 7, and one pussy-ass LIMIT BREAK isn't enough to keep that fucker down. But nice try Cloud. You made Japanese vaginas all around the world wet for 5 minutes. 'Til your nigga ass got shot! That's why, when Sephiroth comes back, I'm gonna get my Glock, and put a bullet in that fucker's face before he hurts my family. And I WILL NOT rely on Reno and Rude to get a job done (there is no way they could have survived that bomb in Advent Children. I call BULLSHIT on that). Rude still is badass though.

Good luck out there. You better be packin' heat when that muther-fucker sets foot in America. YOU. DON'T. FUCK. WITH. AMERICA.

Sincerely,

Patrick.

When You Fall in Love

   When you fall in love, does the world stop

If only for a minute, do you feel on top?

   Do the church bells toll for a wedding to come

Does your heart beat like a marching drum?

   When you fall in love, do you feel like a king

and you wanna run out and buy her a ring?

   Does every day feel like a brand new birth

Another chance to fall harder for her?

   When you fall in love, how do you feel inside

You smile when she laughs, and always hate good byes?

   Does your face lighten up at the sound of her voice

And do you wanna do everything that she enjoys?

   Because of that is love, then I have got it bad

It's all because of you, I wanna be your man.