Untitled Story or Poem or Whatever (the Result of Being Really Tired)

There is a boy,
well, really he's a man.
He's mostly grown up,
but he hasn't got a real plan.
Everything in his life seems predetermined,
but not by fate or God,
but by the fabrics of society,
blanketing and blinding him.

But the boy (or man) keeps walking along,
and now it seems beauty has intervened,
and the streets are paved and gleaming,
new green is growing when others are leaving.
But despite all the new additions to his yard,
there's an empty spot in the back, near the pond.

And it doesn't feel right,
it's been gone for sometime,
the spot where something used to sit but now has not been for quite a while.

Was it ever really there?
"Yes", he swears, he's seen it before. It haunts his dreams and it's carved in his floor and everyone else thinks the garden is full.
But tragically, only he can see the decay,
the waste and the spreading of nightmares and grey.
Knowing this one thing gone is the key to all things,
the bringer of joy and freedom and open field dreams.

He walks over the grave,
so deep he can't see,
the bottom or end, transcending the earth.
And he looks out on the wasteland that others call his turf,
and they enviously glare at his supposed achievements,
without ever finding a channel to reach him,
because perception is altered from body to body,
time has changed even the modest to haughty.

The man trudges on.
He tries to look forward but suddenly looks back,
and the small boy he sees, he is taken aback,
and he falls to his knees and wants the past so bad,
but it is not for the man, only for the boy.
He knows not how he knows, but only that he does know,
and it is cement in his mind, it is certainly so.

So the man sighs deeply and marches on,
knowing not what he'll come across,
but knowing he'll find another spot to lay,
and new gardens to grow,
and new air to be breathed,
new life to be seen,
fresh surroundings.

And maybe, the man, he startles to think,
will cross the barrier that borders the brink,
of the thing he's been missing this whole time,
the oldest of old desires for all of man kind,
love, and just a little more time.

Up and Over We Go

Hoo boy, it's been a while since anyone posted anything on this thing. So now you get a nice post full of what's been going on in my life and my mind lately! I was supposed to do a bunch of updating over Spring Break, but things were honestly moving waaaaay too fast for me to get a chance to do much of anything.

On the bright side, though, it was the most thoroughly enjoyable times in recent memory. I got to see a lot of faces that I've missed, as well as a lot of new ones. It really felt like the beginning of a new time in my life. I got to see Patrick, and we literally talked the night away in one of the best discussions in the history of deep talks done in a tiny, dirty kitchen above a butcher's shop. 

I'm so unbelievably lucky to have friends that I can be serious with when I need to be, because it helps our relationship grow closer, and I cherish the friendships I have. Getting to hang out with the old group of friends again was amazing; seeing Kyle, Eric, and Brody never fails to put me in an amazing mood. We celebrated Eric's birthday and reminisced about the old days, which was an experience in itself.

Looking back now, I never realized just how much I've been able to experience with my friends in my life until we actually went and talked about all the stuff we've done. We've done a lot of things that most people never get to experience. People talk all the time about wanting to start a band and play shows and record music, but my friends and I actually got to experience it, which makes me proud beyond belief. The crazy nights, the insane pop culture discussions (especially involving which power from Avatar: The Last Airbender would be the best), the adventures and terrible ideas that we somehow convinced ourselves into thinking were good, which always resulted in hilarity.

I just nostalged so hard (yes, it's a verb now).

A Few Meandering Thoughts

I'm pretty sure that the universe itself is fueled by irony. I'm getting ahead of myself though, more on that later. It's been hard for me to do much writing lately, and I still don't really know why. It's just been hard to collect my thoughts lately. Now it's Spring Break, and I've been doing nothing but thinking. It's been a tough couple of months, and for the first time since my breakup, I don't have anything going on to distract me; no homework, no tests, no concerts, no dances. Nothing. So it's just been me and my thoughts for the past day and a half. Finally, I think I have things straightened out in my head, so I'm taking this time to get all of it out of my system.

First thing  that I can think of to talk about is of the one thing I really hate talking about. In front of me, I have a bag that has every memento from my previous relationship. My first instinct (which also happens to appeal to my inner pyromaniac) is to burn it, not out of impunity, but out of respect for the ending of that portion of my life. A new beginning, I suppose. Another part of me, though, never wants to forget what happened, because it did bring me a lot of joy that I don't want to let go of.

On a related note, as I said before, the universe must run on irony, because Spring Break is what I've been looking forward to for quite some time, but now that I'm here, I keep having this want to leave. Now, I want to see my friends and all the people I've been missing, but when I'm not with them, this town feels different. I went to church today, and I caught the stares of several people I knew that are still in high school. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I know that what happened was known by quite a few people around school, and I couldn't help but see pity in their gazes, and it enraged me just as much as it saddened me. The last thing I need or want is pity.

The last thing I thought about was my friends, and their lives. Some of them seem like the same carefree slackers that I knew back in high school, and I think the "slacker" part might have something to do with the lack of change in their lifestyle. But a good majority of the people I know are living radically different lives than I remember. We've all changed so much, and the fact of this never ceases to take my breath away. I wish we could all get back together like the old days, but our lives are so hectic and all heading in such radically different directions that make it almost impossible. Our lives can only move forward, bursting out, and we can never re-visit what has already happened. We can only cherish the beauty of the time we've been given and take it with us as we go forward into the future.

Picture Kinda Related

Dammit, friends are just plain awesome. I love my friends. They're always there for me, and I know that they're always looking out for my best interests.

Yep.

Lazy=Love

Writing for this blog was never my idea, and yet here we are. While Ranier may say otherwise, it wasn’t entirely his charm and good looks that convinced me to write for one of the greatest embodiments of hipster culture. The only thing that really inspired me to write was the thought that I may need something to do with my free time, pure and simple. It’s almost comical that I gave up my aversion to the evils of blogs because I felt like I needed to fill my schedule with something productive (I use that term very liberally here). And yet it was this realization of exactly why I chose to write that made me think about just how jammed pack our worlds are with copious amounts of stuff.

Our lives are so full of things these days. School, sports, work, family, friends, the list goes on and on. The world constantly pulls at us from so many directions with all sorts of activities and people that scream for our time and attention. It’s no wonder that the default state of our lives is stress. The funny thing is that we do it to ourselves, gladly signing our time away. There are so many times when I catch myself wishing for something to do when my hands are idle. And it’s not just me. So many of the people I know have this same mentality, feeling like they’ve done something wrong when they’ve got nothing to do.

This is tragic. People should not feel like they have to fill every moment of everyday with some useful activity or feel guilty about indulging their lazy side. Often times it is the moments like an idle Monday afternoon that are the important ones in our lives. I realized this as I stared out the window of my dorm, a moment that would definitely be counted as time ill-spent under the standards of working society.

Be grateful for the times when you have nothing to do, when your hands are still. Please don’t feel guilty when you’re sitting on your ass without an industrious thing to do the whole day. It moments like these that are the best in life. Chances are you’ll fill them up with memories of friends or instances of quiet, thoughtful introspection, and you’ll be thankful for them. Time spent on you and only you is never time poorly spent.