7 Things I Wish I Had More Of

I was looking at some of the blogs of people I knew, and I came across this concept in the blog of a lovely young lady who I think has one of the most amazing personalities I've ever seen. Every Sunday, she'd make a list of seven things to talk about, ranging from the hilariously trivial to the resoundingly deep. I decided that, since I'm shameless and want to make this blog something special, that I would adopt this idea. So I decided to start with some of the things that have been on my mind: things that I wish I had.

7. Patience. I try my hardest to be patient with people, and, for the most part, I think I succeed. However, there are times, truly crucial times, when my patients cracks from too much wear and I get horribly impatient and easily angered. It's times like these, when I break and do something irrational, that I often get judged for. Never for the quiet patience that I always have for people most of the time, but the few times when my temper reaches a boiling point. I wish these would never have to happen. It's never fun to be judged, especially unfairly, and I would rather not have people telling me they hate me anymore.

6. Sympathy. Now, this shouldn't be confused with wanting empathy. I understand people's feelings and emotions extraordinarily well, which is a good thing, I just can't identify with them a lot. I'm disconnected from really being able to feel their emotions and consider its effects. This, needless to say, is bad. It's probably what makes it so hard for me to make good connections with people.

5. Honesty. This one, I'm all over the place on. There are some people that I tell everything to, and there are some people that I wouldn't trust with my phone number. I have a lot of secrets, and it takes quite a toll to keep them all straight. I just wish I could be 100% honest all the time, even though this probably wouldn't make some people happy, as Liar Liar taught me. However, I would be able to rest a lot easier thanks to it.

4. Faith. With everything I've been going through in my life, I've been living in constant fear. Fear from uncertainty, loss, abuse, and I haven't taken enough time to really look at the big picture. I believe in God. And I realized that, in spite of what I believe, what I want may not be what's best for me in the long run. Only God knows, and, in the end, you can only do so much. The rest is out of your hands. The best you can do is try everything you can do things well, and have faith that it will all turn out alright in the end. I could have used this so much in my life.

3. Strength. I don't mean physical strength. I could get less about that crap. I mean personal strength. The kind that allows a person to stand up and be able to say, even if the rest of the world disagrees with them, exactly what they feel about something. I could only stand idly by, as much as I wish I could get break out and actually be able to stand, strong and tall, and not be afraid of being who I am. This is making me sound like an in-the-closet gay (which would probably be easier than having to deal with women), but that is something that I have been able to respect gay people for. Not the showy gay parade with leather and peacock feathers everywhere, but the kind that's able to say that they're gay, and be unafraid of what others might say.

2. Trust. I am so hesitant to trust people that I'm really not surprised people dislike me for being so reserved. I don't trust easily, and I keep things close to the vest. God knows what kind of world we'd live in if people actually trusted others. I know there would still be liars, but I think that people could live with themselves a lot easier if they could just show a little trust to somebody else. Even if it means trying to comfort someone you don't even know in public. A guy in my building that I'd never really talked to before saw me one night sitting on the stairs, and starting talking to me. He had no idea who I was, and he asked for a little trust, because he might be able to help. That's the kind of guy I wish I was.

1. Love. I think everyone could use more of this in their life. It doesn't matter if you are practically a saint, you can always use more love. Because showing others love is even better than receiving it yourself.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...

I... don't even know where to begin in my mind. You know that feeling you get when you're standing on the edge of some ridiculously huge precipice and you look down and you don't really get dizzy (so I don't know if it's the same as vertigo) but you get this awful twitch in the back of your mind that, for some reason or another, you're legs are going to jump your ass off the edge, even if your mind doesn't want to?

Well, that's how things are for me. Have been. For quite a while now.

Thankfully, it hasn't all been awful... Oh, wait, yes it has. HOWEVER, I've managed to not only:

A) actually grown in my faith, but I've also B) grow as a person more than I have ever thought possible, at the expense of my happiness and ability to function in normal society. Considering the way my parents raised me, anyone who knew my family would assume I was a good, upstanding person living a moral and positive life.

Not so. I'm not a model citizen, and I'm not the ideal standard of virtue for people. I'm pretty much the opposite of that. Normally, this is the point where I would deride myself, call myself awful things and hate myself with a burning intensity rivaling that of the sun. But I don't anymore. I accept what I am, and I've learned to deal with it in a constructive matter. So many things that I've done were completely terrible and I had absolutely no idea at the time of how destructive my behavior was, not only to myself but to others as well.

One of the biggest problems I've had was jealousy. I was insecure about myself, and found every other guy imaginable threatening. Looking back, it was the stupidest, saddest display of cowardice and insecurity that I've ever seen. As a result, it ended (with other complications) in the eventual undoing of my relationship. I accept all the blame, and I've been able to overcome it. Now I know how to feel, and how to act properly if I'm ever in another relationship (this is one of the biggest if's in the entire universe).

I don't regret being in that relationship. I feel bad for the pain I caused, both to her and girls in the past, and I can't say I enjoyed the way things had to end, but I've learned that to regret something or to wish something never was is like saying you wish you had never experienced something good. The good and the bad in life are inseparable. And the amount of good I received from those experiences is extraordinary. 

I wish nothing but the best for them, with no ill will and only the request for forgiveness for the way I've acted. If any of them read this, all I have to say is: thank you, for the beauty and joy you showed me in our time together. I will treasure the memories forever, and carry you in my heart.

I'm not making any claims to achieving some kind of saintly status or anything. I'm still a pretty shitty person, and I have a long way to go before I'll ever call myself "good." But sometimes, you have to look at the distance traveled, rather than your current place in life.